Live to Leave

Life is fleeting. I may be here today, gone tomorrow. We all die. It may be sudden and tragic, or slow and coming. The end is all the same. There is the afterlife but that is a post for another day. 

What then is my legacy? What am I leaving behind? To my family, my children, my loved ones, the ones who continue living on earth while I have gone. 

And maybe that's why social media is so popular these days, because we want to leave something behind. Aside from the entertainment and connection, it is a way to keep us alive, a way to leave a piece of me and memories behind, be it via posts, stories, writings and shares... snippets of life. I admit I do enjoy looking through the pictures on my profile and reminiscing those particular moments.

But what if what was meant to preserve time and moments has become the time-stealer instead? The very thing we would rely on to bring joy in the midst of sorrow, when we are no longer around and we want to look back, instead become the thing that pre-maturely steals our joy and the moments that would have and should have been if we had not been so preoccupied with this so-called digital legacy.

Two things come to my mind.

The first - social media causes us to compare our lives to others, like it or not. Usually not on purpose, but humans just tend to. And comparison is the thief of joy. 

An example, I just celebrated my birthday and so did a friend. She had the whole works - weekend hotel getaway, two hours full body spa, fine dining for dinner to celebrate and all put neatly in an Instagram post. The basis of course of gratitude and thanks, not to brag. It was definitely not my type of life, but oh, how it made me want it too!

That I forgot, I got flowers from friends, cakes and a surprise from colleagues, lunch with my comrades in Christ, dinners with my family members, celebrations with our church family, a book that I have been wanting to get. My heart was full and all throughout I felt extremely grateful and blessed. I even chose a song should i need one for my birthday Instagram post (Goodness of God) because this was indeed Gods goodness over my life.

And that was God's goodness over her life. However, social media makes us forget at times because our eyes are seeing, looking, watching the lives and posts of others instead of keeping our eyes on God and our own goals, missions, and prizes. 

The second thing social media does is create lots of noise and distractions. 

So, I did uninstall the Instagram app for a couple of weeks, just to get away for a bit. And I recently reinstalled it because I wanted to post about my kid's birthday and me turning 35 (some reflections and ramblings, the whole memories and legacy to look back on kind of thing). And I started scrolling through some stories and boy, was I shocked to see what was being suggested - sexy videos, crude jokes, scantily clad bodies. I have no idea what algorithms are being used, but it is definitely hard to keep your mind on things that are good and pure when these sort of content are just pushed into your feed or so easily stumbled upon. And we did discuss this in school the other day, times have change, morals and norms are shifting because of technology. 

Yes, you can learn a ton of things from social media too - exercise, cooking, language, techniques, planning, cleaning, etc. But there is a lot of noise. 

And when things are noisy, it is hard to listen to the still small voice of God. It's hard to breakaway from the doom-scrolling, the quick clips that turn from seconds into hours. It's hard to pay attention, to meditate, to think, to evaluate.

And unless we are aware and careful, on our guard and vigilant, we easily fall into the noise, I know I do. 

I compare, 
I scroll on, 
I do not discipline myself and stop. 

And if I am being honest,
it takes my time,
my sleep and rest,
my attention away from my children, my husband, 
my presence because I am elsewhere but there,
my thoughts, my attitude, my character,
my love for others because it takes away community and connection. 

So, thirty five. 

What a wake up call. What am I leaving behind? How am I living?
My relationships, my actions, my words, my interactions.

3 years later

The pandemic has come to its endemic stage.

Life has returned almost to what it once was, but not quite.

I have learned to count my blessings and be thankful.

Married to Ernest, two kids, roof over our heads, food in our bellies, family we are connected and near to, work that pays the bills and also allows us to serve God and others, strength for each day, friends we get to journey and grow with, and so much more.

But I still believe there is more to be done, more in store, more to come.

And as we prayed during the 40 days fast and prayer by NECF as well as for Alpha Course which our church is running, God has been opening my heart and life to encounter others whose lives have gone through so much, who have had so much pain and brokenness. And as I hear their stories and sharings, it breaks me and makes me want to help them, but in my own limits and even love, I felt so overwhelmed. I did not know what to do or how to respond, but I knew it was not me but Jesus Christ who would be the answer to them; every question, every "why?", every need.

May every brokenness point us to the only one who can heal and restore. 

disconnected writing

Times have changed. Blogs are not as popular as they used to be. Well, at least that is the case in my circle. Save for a few who still write, they too use other platforms like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to share their blog posts and writings.

People want things fast now. People are more visual - a picture paints a thousand words. If there's a video, even better. If you make it concise, that would be superb. That's why tiktok is so popular among the young. Do not be fooled by the few seconds that video presents, the hours that go on behind it - conceptualizing, filming, editing. Just for the likes, for the shares, for it to go viral.

They are works of art in their own sense. Just like writing, it is a form of self-expression. A point of view, an opinion.

So here I am, writing again. Writing because I need to self-express. Writing because I feel the need to create. Writing because it has been so long. Writing because I have an opinion.

I don't want to share everything with everyone. I don't want to share my pictures or my videos but when I scroll through my feeds, that is what others are doing and honestly, I tend to compare. I see and I compare my life with theirs - it makes me feel inadequate, dissatisfied, sometimes jealous.

But I know that's not their intention, it is their self-expression. It is how they document life. It is how they share with their loved ones especially so in this time of being apart. And I get to be a part of it even though I am not close to them, it makes me feel like I know them, that I am a part of their life. And so I rejoice, I am happy for them, I pray for their best and I pray for them when they share their struggles.

What's the point of me writing here? I don't know, I just wanted to write. Even if it doesn't flow, even if it isn't organized. Even if there isn't much of a point to make. I just wanted to share.

Loving Him with my All - Whenever and Wherever

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Layakkanlah seluruh hidupku

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Pakailah sesuai dengan recanaMu

I've been singing this song to Lukas the past few nights as I put him to sleep. But this morning as we sang it during worship in church, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart yearned for God and to love God wholeheartedly.

I had not been loving God as I should this past year.

That was a painful and scary confession to make and as I reflect on it, it is such a serious yet hidden issue. For who knows the thoughts of our hearts but God alone. 

We are now beginning the month of December. Another year is coming to its end again and it often puts me in a reflective mood as I look back at the year.

This year was a year full of transitions for me. Coming back to PJ from Semporna, becoming a mother, teaching in a new school, adapting to our families. 

Coming back from Semporna had so many aspects to it. I honestly struggled and don't think I transitioned well through the changes. It came suddenly yet also expectedly. It came with both joy and sorrow. It came with a heavy heart yet also relief. It's hard to explain, it was hard to say goodbye. 

I didn't really have time to process it with everything happening so rapidly, one thing after another - coming back on a Saturday, I began work at my new school on Monday, about a month plus later, I delivered Lukas and had to learn to become a mom, a steep learning curve and a whole new experience. It was a blessing to have my family to help me through that. Then when I thought I was getting a hang of it, maternity leave ended and it was back to school. I thank God for Christian believers that He used to encourage and help me along the way. But I often felt tired and lost at the end of most days. And without realising days, weeks, months pass.

You look back and you wonder where did the time go. You look back and you know that God was always present because it was His grace you were able to go through all that. 

But I also look back and I know that I was really bitter and hurting at times. I look back and I know that I struggled to love God and others. I look back and I know that I became rather selfish and self-centered along the way. I look back and I repent.

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku...

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya.

Though the seasons change in my life,

I will still love Jesus always.

That's why the song's lyrics cut deep because I know that as the seasons changed, I was bitter and upset at God. I may have even blamed Him and I never resolved the issue. But I must not live in the past, I must not live upon "what if's", I need to live in the present, in this particular season, time, and place and love God with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength. 

I love You, Lord.
Forgive me when my love wavers.

Help me to love you with everything I am. 

grace and second chances

We're all essentially bad people. Broken and bad.

And that's why we need a saviour. Someone to redeem us from this deprave state.

But sometimes, we kind of keep things "under control" and we're able to keep our badness to a minimal so that people don't really see it. We sometimes even succeed in making people think, "she's good." Or worse still, we start to think of ourselves, "Hey, I'm not that bad, I must be kinda good."

But we're still essentially bad.

And then out of the blue, out of our controlled character, we do something bad. And everyone sees, and everyone knows. Because like I said, we are essentially - bad.

We say our million and one apologies, try to make things better, wish we could turn back time, regret it over and over again, cringe when we think about it, but nothing really erases what's been done or said.

And that's when the beauty of grace comes sweeping in. When we know we are bad and we do not deserve second chances, when we know we messed up and cannot save ourselves. God comes in. Comes in and gives grace, a second chance to live again.

This grace, did not just appear from thin air. It was given freely to us but at a great cost for the Giver. God, the Giver, gave His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, to die and pay for the due price of our sins that we may be redeemed from our wrongs. Clothing us in His righteousness, God now sees us as good.

And so, despite me being essentially bad and though as long as I'm here on earth, I am still imperfect, I am able to live because of His grace. That is why I try to live unto him, to be more and more like Christ, not because I want to hide my badness (I cannot), but because I understand what grace does. It saves me when I cannot save myself.

This doesn't mean I've got a "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card or that I can go on being bad. No, that would be contempt and pride towards God because remember, a price was paid. A price so great, we would not be able to bear it. It should have been me, but Christ took my place.




\\Reflections after Danum Valley (14-16 Oct).

her room

She knocks on the door. No one answers. It's a place she's not been to for quite some time now. She turns the knob and the door creaks open. It's dark and musty smelling inside. "Hello?" she says. "Is anybody here?" She feels the wall for a switch, she remembers there was one for the lights, somewhere. 

*click*

And the room illuminates. Brightly lit, lights that shine. She sees rows and rows of shelves, full of files and folders of ideas. Bits and pieces here and there, some complete, most are not. She looks through some and smiles, remembering the events and experiences that inspired those pieces. She had forgotten so much but when she read, she remembered. 

She loved to write. Words were her favourite tool. Her weapon and instrument which she used to practice so often. She was not much of a speaker, her ideas took time to flow and form. Speakers usually speak before they think and their train of thoughts move fast and fleet. Hers was more of a million fragmented jewel pieces, that needed time to be put together. But when she finally did piece them together, she always felt satisfied with how they sparkled. 

She used to keep bits and pieces of jewels she found in this room. Collecting, polishing, and storing away in hopeful anticipation of using them one day. She used to come in here a few times a day, perusing the files in shelves and putting new things in. Sometimes, she brought her work out and showed it to people whom she loved,

However, as she grew older and went through different phases in life. She did not go to the room so often anymore. Sometimes the absence was for just a season and an inspiration would pull her back to the room to work on something. But as she began her job, she went there much lesser. She was tired, busy, caught up. She didn't have time and energy to visit the room. In the end, she stopped going there. 

Until one night, when she suddenly thought, "I loved to write. What happened?" She wondered  about the room and if her jewels were still there. And so she went back to the room, her room. 

--

And here she is, putting together another piece of fragmented jewels in hopes that she will not forget how much she loves to write. 

PAUSE

I just need a place to vent, a place to pause, reflect, express.

Gosh, I'm so tired. I think I'm at the brink of burn out and am just wanting to stay in bed and not get out of it. 

So, it's been almost 8 months here in Semporna. The place is not so new any more, the new teacher charm has worn off, the whole positive, "Yes, I'm here and I'm going to make a difference," demeanour has been fed a good spoonful of the reality that this is tough. Lots of times, I get caught up in the motions of things; wake up, work, come back, repeat. Bleh. That's not how life is meant to be.

There are times I get a little discouraged, figuring that I'm busy but not very purposeful here, I need to be purposeful to be effective. One night, I lay in bed and whispered, "God, I'm so sorry. I'm really not living out the purpose You have placed me here for. I'm sorry I'm failing you." :'(

And that's when I realized.. "Hey, it's not about me. It's never been about me. It's about God from beginning to the end. And so, I am here to reflect Christ. And I got to be intentional in doing so. When I am weak, He is strong. And His grace is sufficient for me."

I don't know why I'm struggling at this. Maybe it's my personality or a character flaw. But I'm not ready to give up. By the grace of God, I will be able to learn from this and I will become better at this. I will not lose sight of my purpose of being here in Semporna and I would not settle to the point that this job is just a paycheck. No. This job is about lives: many many maaaannnyyy lives. And I do want to make a difference, make it a little better for these lives. One life at a time.

Pause. Breathe, One Life at a Time. Play.

One week more to ... SABAH

And so, the wait for posting is over. And I am being called, posted, sent (whatever you want to call it) to the beautiful land of Sabah. Not sure where in Sabah, that I shall find out in due time.

It's been an exciting past few weeks of preparing and telling people of the news. I got to know on the cheery Saturday morning of the 1st of August. 

I leave on the 17th of August for the orientation which will be in a hotel in Klang and then we shall fly off on the 18th. As of today, the 17th is a week away, SEVEN days!

For now, there's still packing and paperwork to be done and lots of bidding farewells to loved ones here. Of course I'll be back over time but it's always good to have proper goodbyes and appreciation for the people who have been a part of my life here in PJ. I am thankful for the paths crossed, the relationships built, and the moments spent.

I will miss life here. I will miss the family and the friends. But I am excited to start anew, to go discover life away from all I know to be comfortable and common to me. I am nervous, I am scared, but I know God is with me and He goes before me. 

SEVEN DAYS...

God, I trust You. Help me as I prepare to go where you send me.

been

Been a while since I wrote.

Been a while since my wait. 

Been a different kind of journey.

Filled with joy, filled with pain.

Been hoping, waiting, trying.

Been getting out a bit. 

Been seeing things a little different.

A change of point of views.

Been learning life again.

Been humbled, been redeemed.

Been falling and then captured

In time, in grace, by Love.

Next steps

So, I am not in the state of limbo anymore...

I got my call for an interview last week, in regards to my posting.

And after a pretty long wait, it was such exciting and happy news.

It's not like I got my job and posting already... but at least it's a step forward.

It's still an unknown journey ahead.

But I will take it step by step with God.

In the preps leading up to it, I feel a mix and myriad of feelings: nervous, excited, uncertain, hopeful, and so much more from one end of the spectrum to the other.

I am thankful for the people who share in my joy and excitement, who back me up with prayers and encouragement, from the support near and far.

One step at a time. Be still my heart. I will not fear.

hanging on

Hanging on to faith.

Who do I believe in? Who is it I trust? Can my faith hold through even in the darkest moments? Faith - the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1) To trust that the convictions and experiences of God in my life and in the lives and testimonies of others before and around me are true. God is true, and in Him I place my trust.

Hanging on to hope.

To know His ways are higher than our ways and that everything happens for a reason. That in the end, the struggles and hardships were worth it. That there is a light, a glory at the end of the tunnel. That in Him there is hope and hope abundant.

Hanging on to love.

Love that came down to us, love that saves us. Love abundant, love divine. Love that first loved us, even at our lowest, even in our brokenness and imperfections, when we were undeserving, unworthy of it. Love still chose us. And because He first loved us, we love too. To love God with all our heart, all our mind, all our soul, and with all our strength. And to love others as ourselves. Love that goes beyond logic and sense, love that is unconditional, strong, relentless. Love that reaches out.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. 

But the greatest of these is love. 

(1 Corinthians 13:13)

May my life and days be filled with these. Though I may struggle, may I grow in these. May I never forget who it is who gives these gifts, who it all depends upon, who makes all the difference. It is God and God alone. Not I, for I will always fall short and fail. Not I, for I am weak and frail on my own. It is indeed Him and Him alone who keeps us hanging on. 

Hang on. 

Through It All (2014)

I give thanks to God for this year.

God who is sovereign, God who is faithful, God who is good, through it all.

It's been a tough year for many. So much has happened on a global scale, to our nation Malaysia, in our community, etc. And even now, on the last day of the year we hear of many who struggle with losses, with tragedies, with floods, and so much more. Lost planes, lost lives, lost homes, lost loves and lost hopes. :'( I can only imagine the pain and grief they feel and go through. 

The things I have gone through this year cannot compare to the many hardships of others as mentioned, but personally it was still a struggle for me. Somehow, the painful parts of 2014 stay seared in my mind as compared to the many good moments I am thankful for. 

Yet, this gives me much encouragement:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. - James 1:2-4

That the struggles and the trials are there for a reason, have their own purpose and is not in vain. As we come to the end of another year, I read back on journal entries and I know I struggled and stumbled through many parts of the year, but I am where I am today and who I am today by His grace and faithfulness. My life is a work in progress. It has not ended yet and new chapters and phases are still being written.

Last picture of 2014.

I thank God for loved ones who have supported and encouraged me through the different periods. Family, friends, strangers. People who were there long periods, or through one or two projects, or just a day or less, people who I knew I could turn to, people who were there by chance, people who came in just at the right moment, all kinds of people. Thankful for the people who pick me up, who pray for me, who walk with me, who do life with me. I appreciate it and I treasure you, though I may not always show it.

I thank God for Ernest who helps me grow, who journeys with me through the ups and downs, who is patient and kind even in my most irrational states. And indeed, we are growing and learning in this relationship. It's not always smooth, not always ideal. not always lovey-dovey and sweet, it is painful sometimes, it is hard and confusing sometimes too, but it is worth it. And I will choose to love, day by day, year by year, I will choose to love always.

Bidding farewell to UM and her days

I finished my days in university this year. I miss them. I miss the life and the people. But I know life is always changing and we move on into new terrains of life. Life is an adventure, an expedition, and an exploration. Everyday something new. One thing I really thank God for in university was my PKV family and the many experiences brought through the christian fellowship there. The camps we attended, the inspiring people who spoke to us, the avenues to reach out, the growing together, and so much more.

Also, FES. I thank God for them. FES camps always left an impact, always brought up reminders, and always awakened me to something new. Well, SWEEP is something to thank God for since it indirectly led to Ernest and I :P And my hopes to "find a husband here (at camp)" came to pass! Hooray :D

Yet 2014, is where university ends for me. I am a graduate now. And I am thankful for all that I have learned and experienced throughout my days here.

I went through a waiting phase. Where I grew impatient and lost and confused. It was disheartening. It was scary. But I had to trust God even when I couldn't see what was in front of me. I am currently working with little kids and it brings me great joy but also wears me out physically. Those little balls of energy. D: But I am learning to love and enjoy what I do, and wait for when God brings me wherever He may call me to. The recent trip to Cambodia with my church group has re-sparked the desire and passion to teach the people who are poorest and in need of education. It makes me want to do more and be more. It makes me pray, "God, prepare me for your work. Teach me, train me, send me."

And as we enter 2015, I still wait for that. But I wait knowing and assured He has the best plans and He has the right timings.

He is with me through it all.

Blessed Christmas

A picture speaks a thousand words, they say.

Here's my picture :)

Because of God's love, we are saved by His grace.

Because of God's love, we can love others.

Because He loves the world, He gave His one and only Son,

that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Because in Him, we have hope and we have love.

These children reminded me and pointed me back to this love of God.

And I pray that my life may point them back to His love too.

Blessed Christmas.

Love came down to save us.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,

that whoever believes in Him shall not perish

but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Battambang, Cambodia 

December 2014

stay the course

"Christian life is like a big round boulder rolling uphill." 

- Mr Lian during Tuesday Night's Bible Studies.

Indeed it is unnatural and it is a struggle most times, but most of all it is impossible without the work and power of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

So, it's November. ALREADY?! This year has been so many ups and downs and in betweens. But I am thankful for God's faithfulness through it all and for the people in my life who have been there.

I left my university life and am embarking on new journeys and learning new things. I am going through uncertain phases and times where I am afraid of my own emotions and state of mind. And it's a whole lot of figuring out but I'm learning that I cannot figure it out on my own with just a lot of thinking and self-reflecting. I need the Spirit of God to convict and the Word of God to be a mirror to check my life and self. It's scary how far I've strayed off course at times and I suppose it begins with the little little diversions, the little compromises, the little put off's and procrastinating, the little distractions.

"Stay the course, Wai Yan!"

"Read my Word," He says to me. "Drink of my Spirit. Pray."

O Lord, keep me on the right course in this journey of life. One that is according to your will, that brings you glory and delight and that pleases you. Grant me the strength and empowerment to be like a rock that is rolling uphill despite the gravity of this world that pulls me away from you. Humble me that I may grow and learn from you. Teach me to walk in faith, in hope and in love. 

In Jesus Name, Amen. 

change of mindset

Lately, I've been having some challenges to the way I see things and some shifts in my perspectives.

Well, not lately, my whole life is made up of that sort of thing really. That's life right? New things come in, people with different ideas or opinions, you learn new things through exposure and your world becomes a little bigger, brighter, darker, deeper, better or even worse (depending on how you begin to look at things).

There are truths, I believe. And truths are objective and absolute. But that's another matter altogether.

So, I like to think of myself as someone who is pretty rational in most areas, someone who is respectful and understanding towards others, and someone who has an open mind and an open heart to learn and receive new knowledge and wisdom. (I think too highly of myself. Be humble, Wai Yan!)

Boy, was I wrong about all that. And what it took was when someone whom I really loved had a rather different and conflicting views with me. Okay, maybe I took it personally and I didn't like that he disagreed with me. I didn't like that I may be wrong or was wrong. :( It really bugged me. It confused me. Was I to be humble and take in this person's view and accept it or was I to be firm in my convictions?

I didn't want to be the kind of person who just believes everything she is told or who just follows the latest or most popular school of thoughts. I didn't want to follow and believe blindly what I was told. I wanted to hold firm to convictions that were mine and stand on foundations that were firm and true. I wanted to have substance in what I believed in.

But most of all, I wanted my thoughts and my opinions to be in line with God's thoughts and truths which would be the Word of God. It was a call to look through His perspectives, to study His Word and to view the world and all its ideas and its whole existence through the lens of God's Word.

Well, how that issue of disagreement was resolved is that there is such a thing as agreeing to disagree and to disagree with grace. After lots of talking and sharing, we decided it was fine to be where we were in our thoughts on the issue. I would take in the person's view but I don't have to accept it as mine. I guess it's a lot more complicated if it's someone you love very much disagreeing with you on some fundamental truth you've had.

That experience however, made me examine my attitude and mindset. And I prayed about it. Because I know I was weak and I make mistakes. And I knew I needed God's grace, wisdom and discernment in all this.

The thought that came and the prayer uttered after was;

Lord,
Let me not be like a wave tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine or newest issue or standpoint. Let me not be like a rock that is so stubborn and so hardened that I do not allow You to move in me and change me. May I be a river, that flows and carries the presence of God wherever I go, that brings life and refreshing to all around me. That washes over the stubborn rocks and gets them wet. Letting them know that there is a God and that He lives.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

"Change of mindset," 

my loves said to me.

Soli Deo Gloria - Glory to God Alone

So, I have not blogged in a while. (This line is getting old) :\

Updates updates...

It's very hard cause I'm in an "in-between" phase or a "not doing anything" phase. Some call it "bumming", the more local term - "mengaggur".

Every day is a little different. Some days I have stuff to do - clean, read, meet ups, catch ups, dates, aanndd other stuff. And I feel productive and happy :) But there are days where I sleep, eat and repeat. Such days make me feel a little down and that my life is rotting away D: Noooo... :(

But anyway, am graduating this October. It is confirmed! Praise the Lord and indeed soli Deo gloria! As I look back at those four years, I know it was more Him than me or anything else. How He consistently stayed and shaped me in my university days. Much has changed, then and now, but one thing remains - God and God alone. He has given me more than I could ever ask for or even imagine. And indeed His ways are above my ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

I do miss uni life (a liiiittle bit) :P I miss the friends and the relationships we had built over the couple of years. Yeah, technology and keeping in touch efforts is there but it's not the same as having your roommate who you see daily before/after/in between classes. Oh, back then when our days were measured by what classes/ activities we had :) I miss the perfect mix of routine and leisure back then. We were not too overloaded (last minute assignments and study times are not counted) with work but not slack with absolutely nothing to do. I miss being prodded, pushed and exposed to new knowledge in my courses and through interactions with different people. Learning, I miss learning. I miss the different opportunities you get in uni that you don't get elsewhere.

And today, the new semester begins for the undergraduates. Something I would not be a part of any more. And it's okay :) Cause life has its times and seasons.

Well, that's part of my life history now. Moving on :) To a bright and exciting adventure ahead. Holding fast to the constant in my life and reminding myself it is all unto His glory. He must increase, I must decrease.

Soli Deo Gloria.

lily

Showed Ernest this picture of the lily that bloomed in our garden :) 

He asked me what's the name of the flower. 

I answered, "Lily." 

"Such a beautiful name," I thought to myself :)

but then...

"OHMYGOSH! We can't name our daughter that!!"

Ernest and my surnames are both 'Lee' :\ 

Lily Lee... Li Li Li... Lee Lee Lee...

Thankful

I will be graduating this year :) Praise the Lord! Just got my results for my final semester and all is well. I thank God for His faithfulness and grace in carrying me through. Am reminded of the tears I shed and the struggles I had throughout the semester but also the assurances He gave through His word and the encouragement and love He brought through people. Thank you, God. 

After our final paper :) Real relief! SELFIE!

So right after exams ended, had about a week's break then it was East Asia Regional Conference (EARC) 2014 in Port Dickson. So much to take in but I believe it was most timely as I come to the crossroads of "What Next?" in my life. Probably one of the most asked questions as I finish my undergraduate life, which I'm not too sure how to answer either :\ It calls me that whatever I do with my life, it must always be centred upon Christ and the gospel. It's a mission to bridge the gap between God's vision and the state of reality in our world today. The theme was "Awesome God. E.P.I.C. Generation". EPIC standing for - Engaging, Passionate, Incarnational, and Christlike. What we as Christians are called to in today's society. I met people from different countries, backgrounds, tongues and cultures and as we shared our stories and lives with each other, I saw that we all live in a broken world. My country and society has its problems and so does theirs. No perfect system, no complete justice and righteousness, and that is the state our world is in. But, we all hope in God, we all trust in God, we all yearn to see His glory manifest in the places He has given to us as our homelands, our countries. And that encourages me to keep pursuing Him, to keep our eyes on God, and to be shining lights to our nations. 

My small group during the conference. Thank you each one for sharing your lives <3 td="">

I had a getaway graduation trip with Shalini, Danny and Vindy to Krabi, Thailand. And it was beautiful :) The sun, sand, and sea. Though the sea was being very very rough as it was the monsoon season. We still had fun and enjoyed it :) I want to go back. Much happened (some good and some bad) and we made do the best we could with what we had. What happens in Krabi, stays in Krabi :P

Beauty :)

Travel companions and some of the best people I've had as course mates in the past four years :)

Am now in Tronoh with the parents. Time to unwind and prepare for what's next. I'll tell you as soon as I know what that is. :) Have a good day!

it always hopes.

I don't understand and I don't know everything.

I cannot comprehend all.

There are things beyond me, beyond my grasp.

There are things beyond my control.

I don't know why it's hard for me.

Why can't I just let go, move on.

Why I find it hard to accept certain things.

I struggle and struggle still.

But that doesn't mean I give up.

It doesn't mean it's okay to stop trying.

Abandon, surrender.

But it matters to who or what.

It is wrong if I abandon and surrender in disappointment.

But it is right to abandon and surrender to God.

It always hopes.

In Him, there is always hope.

vents

hmmm... nothing really inspiring, thought-provoking, weighty to write. but i just have an itch to write. to vent, to rant. to allow my thoughts to run free in words, phrases, sentences and paragraphs.

where do i begin?

be random. let's start with the first word that comes to my mind about this particular week.

rain. wet, fresh, heavy rain. rain that washes the hazy skies, cools the hot weather, quenches the thirst of the land. lovely rain. and i feel it resonate within me. that thirst, that dryness, that yearn for something to wash over me, wash me clean, pull me under and deep into the water. i've always loved the rain, always loved the waters.

next.

balance. the lack of. the inability to juggle and handle everything. the feeling that everything is going to fall and topple all over, that i'm going to fall and topple over. the knowledge that i don't have it all in control, and that bugs me. the knowledge that it was my choice and decisions that put me here in the first place. the temptation to neglect certain things and pursue others.

another.

adventure. that though i don't have it all together perfect, to enjoy the journey, the process of life. to take it one step at a time and to enjoy it. to not worry about the tomorrows to the point i lose focus of the present. to make my time here on earth count. to allow God to be the leader and master of my life. adventure is in Him and no other.

last.

obey. been reading Deuteronomy. and towards the end, Moses tells the people about blessings and curses. and it's a pretty simple equation. obey God's laws and commandments = blessings. not just blessings, abundant blessings!! disobey God's laws and commandments (especially serving other gods) = curses. curses that will destroy them, that will torment them and cause them to perish. but it tells us, that even then, God knows and God tells that they are a stiff-necked people and very soon, they will turn away from His ways and go on their own. and they did. so, why if it's so clear cut and easy to understand, why do we still choose to disobey? why? because we are bad, bad to the core. and we always always want to rebel against God. because we are stiff-necked. sinful, dead in sin. until we come under Christ's redemption, until the Spirit dwells in us and works in us. making us alive in Him, enabling us by His grace to obey Him.

there's just no structure to this writing. no direction. just like my thoughts sometimes. all mumblejumbled up. sometimes, you just got to dig to get something. sometimes, you let it overflow and take what comes. sometimes, you stay still and let whatever is floating around sink and sit at the bottom of it.

words. pretty amazing stuff huh.