Live to Leave

Life is fleeting. I may be here today, gone tomorrow. We all die. It may be sudden and tragic, or slow and coming. The end is all the same. There is the afterlife but that is a post for another day. 

What then is my legacy? What am I leaving behind? To my family, my children, my loved ones, the ones who continue living on earth while I have gone. 

And maybe that's why social media is so popular these days, because we want to leave something behind. Aside from the entertainment and connection, it is a way to keep us alive, a way to leave a piece of me and memories behind, be it via posts, stories, writings and shares... snippets of life. I admit I do enjoy looking through the pictures on my profile and reminiscing those particular moments.

But what if what was meant to preserve time and moments has become the time-stealer instead? The very thing we would rely on to bring joy in the midst of sorrow, when we are no longer around and we want to look back, instead become the thing that pre-maturely steals our joy and the moments that would have and should have been if we had not been so preoccupied with this so-called digital legacy.

Two things come to my mind.

The first - social media causes us to compare our lives to others, like it or not. Usually not on purpose, but humans just tend to. And comparison is the thief of joy. 

An example, I just celebrated my birthday and so did a friend. She had the whole works - weekend hotel getaway, two hours full body spa, fine dining for dinner to celebrate and all put neatly in an Instagram post. The basis of course of gratitude and thanks, not to brag. It was definitely not my type of life, but oh, how it made me want it too!

That I forgot, I got flowers from friends, cakes and a surprise from colleagues, lunch with my comrades in Christ, dinners with my family members, celebrations with our church family, a book that I have been wanting to get. My heart was full and all throughout I felt extremely grateful and blessed. I even chose a song should i need one for my birthday Instagram post (Goodness of God) because this was indeed Gods goodness over my life.

And that was God's goodness over her life. However, social media makes us forget at times because our eyes are seeing, looking, watching the lives and posts of others instead of keeping our eyes on God and our own goals, missions, and prizes. 

The second thing social media does is create lots of noise and distractions. 

So, I did uninstall the Instagram app for a couple of weeks, just to get away for a bit. And I recently reinstalled it because I wanted to post about my kid's birthday and me turning 35 (some reflections and ramblings, the whole memories and legacy to look back on kind of thing). And I started scrolling through some stories and boy, was I shocked to see what was being suggested - sexy videos, crude jokes, scantily clad bodies. I have no idea what algorithms are being used, but it is definitely hard to keep your mind on things that are good and pure when these sort of content are just pushed into your feed or so easily stumbled upon. And we did discuss this in school the other day, times have change, morals and norms are shifting because of technology. 

Yes, you can learn a ton of things from social media too - exercise, cooking, language, techniques, planning, cleaning, etc. But there is a lot of noise. 

And when things are noisy, it is hard to listen to the still small voice of God. It's hard to breakaway from the doom-scrolling, the quick clips that turn from seconds into hours. It's hard to pay attention, to meditate, to think, to evaluate.

And unless we are aware and careful, on our guard and vigilant, we easily fall into the noise, I know I do. 

I compare, 
I scroll on, 
I do not discipline myself and stop. 

And if I am being honest,
it takes my time,
my sleep and rest,
my attention away from my children, my husband, 
my presence because I am elsewhere but there,
my thoughts, my attitude, my character,
my love for others because it takes away community and connection. 

So, thirty five. 

What a wake up call. What am I leaving behind? How am I living?
My relationships, my actions, my words, my interactions.

disconnected writing

Times have changed. Blogs are not as popular as they used to be. Well, at least that is the case in my circle. Save for a few who still write, they too use other platforms like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to share their blog posts and writings.

People want things fast now. People are more visual - a picture paints a thousand words. If there's a video, even better. If you make it concise, that would be superb. That's why tiktok is so popular among the young. Do not be fooled by the few seconds that video presents, the hours that go on behind it - conceptualizing, filming, editing. Just for the likes, for the shares, for it to go viral.

They are works of art in their own sense. Just like writing, it is a form of self-expression. A point of view, an opinion.

So here I am, writing again. Writing because I need to self-express. Writing because I feel the need to create. Writing because it has been so long. Writing because I have an opinion.

I don't want to share everything with everyone. I don't want to share my pictures or my videos but when I scroll through my feeds, that is what others are doing and honestly, I tend to compare. I see and I compare my life with theirs - it makes me feel inadequate, dissatisfied, sometimes jealous.

But I know that's not their intention, it is their self-expression. It is how they document life. It is how they share with their loved ones especially so in this time of being apart. And I get to be a part of it even though I am not close to them, it makes me feel like I know them, that I am a part of their life. And so I rejoice, I am happy for them, I pray for their best and I pray for them when they share their struggles.

What's the point of me writing here? I don't know, I just wanted to write. Even if it doesn't flow, even if it isn't organized. Even if there isn't much of a point to make. I just wanted to share.

Loving Him with my All - Whenever and Wherever

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Layakkanlah seluruh hidupku

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Pakailah sesuai dengan recanaMu

I've been singing this song to Lukas the past few nights as I put him to sleep. But this morning as we sang it during worship in church, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart yearned for God and to love God wholeheartedly.

I had not been loving God as I should this past year.

That was a painful and scary confession to make and as I reflect on it, it is such a serious yet hidden issue. For who knows the thoughts of our hearts but God alone. 

We are now beginning the month of December. Another year is coming to its end again and it often puts me in a reflective mood as I look back at the year.

This year was a year full of transitions for me. Coming back to PJ from Semporna, becoming a mother, teaching in a new school, adapting to our families. 

Coming back from Semporna had so many aspects to it. I honestly struggled and don't think I transitioned well through the changes. It came suddenly yet also expectedly. It came with both joy and sorrow. It came with a heavy heart yet also relief. It's hard to explain, it was hard to say goodbye. 

I didn't really have time to process it with everything happening so rapidly, one thing after another - coming back on a Saturday, I began work at my new school on Monday, about a month plus later, I delivered Lukas and had to learn to become a mom, a steep learning curve and a whole new experience. It was a blessing to have my family to help me through that. Then when I thought I was getting a hang of it, maternity leave ended and it was back to school. I thank God for Christian believers that He used to encourage and help me along the way. But I often felt tired and lost at the end of most days. And without realising days, weeks, months pass.

You look back and you wonder where did the time go. You look back and you know that God was always present because it was His grace you were able to go through all that. 

But I also look back and I know that I was really bitter and hurting at times. I look back and I know that I struggled to love God and others. I look back and I know that I became rather selfish and self-centered along the way. I look back and I repent.

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku...

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya.

Though the seasons change in my life,

I will still love Jesus always.

That's why the song's lyrics cut deep because I know that as the seasons changed, I was bitter and upset at God. I may have even blamed Him and I never resolved the issue. But I must not live in the past, I must not live upon "what if's", I need to live in the present, in this particular season, time, and place and love God with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength. 

I love You, Lord.
Forgive me when my love wavers.

Help me to love you with everything I am. 

her room

She knocks on the door. No one answers. It's a place she's not been to for quite some time now. She turns the knob and the door creaks open. It's dark and musty smelling inside. "Hello?" she says. "Is anybody here?" She feels the wall for a switch, she remembers there was one for the lights, somewhere. 

*click*

And the room illuminates. Brightly lit, lights that shine. She sees rows and rows of shelves, full of files and folders of ideas. Bits and pieces here and there, some complete, most are not. She looks through some and smiles, remembering the events and experiences that inspired those pieces. She had forgotten so much but when she read, she remembered. 

She loved to write. Words were her favourite tool. Her weapon and instrument which she used to practice so often. She was not much of a speaker, her ideas took time to flow and form. Speakers usually speak before they think and their train of thoughts move fast and fleet. Hers was more of a million fragmented jewel pieces, that needed time to be put together. But when she finally did piece them together, she always felt satisfied with how they sparkled. 

She used to keep bits and pieces of jewels she found in this room. Collecting, polishing, and storing away in hopeful anticipation of using them one day. She used to come in here a few times a day, perusing the files in shelves and putting new things in. Sometimes, she brought her work out and showed it to people whom she loved,

However, as she grew older and went through different phases in life. She did not go to the room so often anymore. Sometimes the absence was for just a season and an inspiration would pull her back to the room to work on something. But as she began her job, she went there much lesser. She was tired, busy, caught up. She didn't have time and energy to visit the room. In the end, she stopped going there. 

Until one night, when she suddenly thought, "I loved to write. What happened?" She wondered  about the room and if her jewels were still there. And so she went back to the room, her room. 

--

And here she is, putting together another piece of fragmented jewels in hopes that she will not forget how much she loves to write. 

PAUSE

I just need a place to vent, a place to pause, reflect, express.

Gosh, I'm so tired. I think I'm at the brink of burn out and am just wanting to stay in bed and not get out of it. 

So, it's been almost 8 months here in Semporna. The place is not so new any more, the new teacher charm has worn off, the whole positive, "Yes, I'm here and I'm going to make a difference," demeanour has been fed a good spoonful of the reality that this is tough. Lots of times, I get caught up in the motions of things; wake up, work, come back, repeat. Bleh. That's not how life is meant to be.

There are times I get a little discouraged, figuring that I'm busy but not very purposeful here, I need to be purposeful to be effective. One night, I lay in bed and whispered, "God, I'm so sorry. I'm really not living out the purpose You have placed me here for. I'm sorry I'm failing you." :'(

And that's when I realized.. "Hey, it's not about me. It's never been about me. It's about God from beginning to the end. And so, I am here to reflect Christ. And I got to be intentional in doing so. When I am weak, He is strong. And His grace is sufficient for me."

I don't know why I'm struggling at this. Maybe it's my personality or a character flaw. But I'm not ready to give up. By the grace of God, I will be able to learn from this and I will become better at this. I will not lose sight of my purpose of being here in Semporna and I would not settle to the point that this job is just a paycheck. No. This job is about lives: many many maaaannnyyy lives. And I do want to make a difference, make it a little better for these lives. One life at a time.

Pause. Breathe, One Life at a Time. Play.

One week more to ... SABAH

And so, the wait for posting is over. And I am being called, posted, sent (whatever you want to call it) to the beautiful land of Sabah. Not sure where in Sabah, that I shall find out in due time.

It's been an exciting past few weeks of preparing and telling people of the news. I got to know on the cheery Saturday morning of the 1st of August. 

I leave on the 17th of August for the orientation which will be in a hotel in Klang and then we shall fly off on the 18th. As of today, the 17th is a week away, SEVEN days!

For now, there's still packing and paperwork to be done and lots of bidding farewells to loved ones here. Of course I'll be back over time but it's always good to have proper goodbyes and appreciation for the people who have been a part of my life here in PJ. I am thankful for the paths crossed, the relationships built, and the moments spent.

I will miss life here. I will miss the family and the friends. But I am excited to start anew, to go discover life away from all I know to be comfortable and common to me. I am nervous, I am scared, but I know God is with me and He goes before me. 

SEVEN DAYS...

God, I trust You. Help me as I prepare to go where you send me.

been

Been a while since I wrote.

Been a while since my wait. 

Been a different kind of journey.

Filled with joy, filled with pain.

Been hoping, waiting, trying.

Been getting out a bit. 

Been seeing things a little different.

A change of point of views.

Been learning life again.

Been humbled, been redeemed.

Been falling and then captured

In time, in grace, by Love.

change of mindset

Lately, I've been having some challenges to the way I see things and some shifts in my perspectives.

Well, not lately, my whole life is made up of that sort of thing really. That's life right? New things come in, people with different ideas or opinions, you learn new things through exposure and your world becomes a little bigger, brighter, darker, deeper, better or even worse (depending on how you begin to look at things).

There are truths, I believe. And truths are objective and absolute. But that's another matter altogether.

So, I like to think of myself as someone who is pretty rational in most areas, someone who is respectful and understanding towards others, and someone who has an open mind and an open heart to learn and receive new knowledge and wisdom. (I think too highly of myself. Be humble, Wai Yan!)

Boy, was I wrong about all that. And what it took was when someone whom I really loved had a rather different and conflicting views with me. Okay, maybe I took it personally and I didn't like that he disagreed with me. I didn't like that I may be wrong or was wrong. :( It really bugged me. It confused me. Was I to be humble and take in this person's view and accept it or was I to be firm in my convictions?

I didn't want to be the kind of person who just believes everything she is told or who just follows the latest or most popular school of thoughts. I didn't want to follow and believe blindly what I was told. I wanted to hold firm to convictions that were mine and stand on foundations that were firm and true. I wanted to have substance in what I believed in.

But most of all, I wanted my thoughts and my opinions to be in line with God's thoughts and truths which would be the Word of God. It was a call to look through His perspectives, to study His Word and to view the world and all its ideas and its whole existence through the lens of God's Word.

Well, how that issue of disagreement was resolved is that there is such a thing as agreeing to disagree and to disagree with grace. After lots of talking and sharing, we decided it was fine to be where we were in our thoughts on the issue. I would take in the person's view but I don't have to accept it as mine. I guess it's a lot more complicated if it's someone you love very much disagreeing with you on some fundamental truth you've had.

That experience however, made me examine my attitude and mindset. And I prayed about it. Because I know I was weak and I make mistakes. And I knew I needed God's grace, wisdom and discernment in all this.

The thought that came and the prayer uttered after was;

Lord,
Let me not be like a wave tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine or newest issue or standpoint. Let me not be like a rock that is so stubborn and so hardened that I do not allow You to move in me and change me. May I be a river, that flows and carries the presence of God wherever I go, that brings life and refreshing to all around me. That washes over the stubborn rocks and gets them wet. Letting them know that there is a God and that He lives.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

"Change of mindset," 

my loves said to me.

it always hopes.

I don't understand and I don't know everything.

I cannot comprehend all.

There are things beyond me, beyond my grasp.

There are things beyond my control.

I don't know why it's hard for me.

Why can't I just let go, move on.

Why I find it hard to accept certain things.

I struggle and struggle still.

But that doesn't mean I give up.

It doesn't mean it's okay to stop trying.

Abandon, surrender.

But it matters to who or what.

It is wrong if I abandon and surrender in disappointment.

But it is right to abandon and surrender to God.

It always hopes.

In Him, there is always hope.

vents

hmmm... nothing really inspiring, thought-provoking, weighty to write. but i just have an itch to write. to vent, to rant. to allow my thoughts to run free in words, phrases, sentences and paragraphs.

where do i begin?

be random. let's start with the first word that comes to my mind about this particular week.

rain. wet, fresh, heavy rain. rain that washes the hazy skies, cools the hot weather, quenches the thirst of the land. lovely rain. and i feel it resonate within me. that thirst, that dryness, that yearn for something to wash over me, wash me clean, pull me under and deep into the water. i've always loved the rain, always loved the waters.

next.

balance. the lack of. the inability to juggle and handle everything. the feeling that everything is going to fall and topple all over, that i'm going to fall and topple over. the knowledge that i don't have it all in control, and that bugs me. the knowledge that it was my choice and decisions that put me here in the first place. the temptation to neglect certain things and pursue others.

another.

adventure. that though i don't have it all together perfect, to enjoy the journey, the process of life. to take it one step at a time and to enjoy it. to not worry about the tomorrows to the point i lose focus of the present. to make my time here on earth count. to allow God to be the leader and master of my life. adventure is in Him and no other.

last.

obey. been reading Deuteronomy. and towards the end, Moses tells the people about blessings and curses. and it's a pretty simple equation. obey God's laws and commandments = blessings. not just blessings, abundant blessings!! disobey God's laws and commandments (especially serving other gods) = curses. curses that will destroy them, that will torment them and cause them to perish. but it tells us, that even then, God knows and God tells that they are a stiff-necked people and very soon, they will turn away from His ways and go on their own. and they did. so, why if it's so clear cut and easy to understand, why do we still choose to disobey? why? because we are bad, bad to the core. and we always always want to rebel against God. because we are stiff-necked. sinful, dead in sin. until we come under Christ's redemption, until the Spirit dwells in us and works in us. making us alive in Him, enabling us by His grace to obey Him.

there's just no structure to this writing. no direction. just like my thoughts sometimes. all mumblejumbled up. sometimes, you just got to dig to get something. sometimes, you let it overflow and take what comes. sometimes, you stay still and let whatever is floating around sink and sit at the bottom of it.

words. pretty amazing stuff huh.

final semester

So after almost half a year of not being back in university (about 2 months doing my teaching practice and 4 months away in Korea for student exchange), I am back in UM for my final semester of my TESL programme. If all goes well, I finish in about half a year :) Finish!

It's seems unreal. Almost four years have passed just like that.

And already it's Week 4. I don't know why, but things just have been a bit too much to handle. I thought it'd be a relaxing final semester :\ But I thank God for the strength and grace He provides just enough for each day.

My struggle is balance. I'm just terrible at it. I'll take one thing and neglect another and my ability to prioritize is really deteriorating. I really need to learn how to do this. Life doesn't seem to be slowing down or getting any easier anytime soon.

My greatest struggle though is my spiritual walk with God. And this is taking everything in me apart. Because without Him I am nothing and can do nothing. And it's been hard to break free, hard to repent and turn around, hard to walk true to His Word and commands. And I feel really far, really distant. But He reminds me through different ways that He is bigger and beyond my struggles, that I do not struggle through this alone nor am I on my own. There's still much figuring out to do. And pray, I shall overcome.

Have a blessed day.

Praying for the MH370 situation, for the loved ones, family and friends of the passengers on the missing flight.

40 days - goodbye november, hello december :)

Hello, final day of November today and also 40 days more to home :)

Been a good past ten days :) Did some shopping to which my mom replied,"Great! This will keep you warm and happy and smiling." :D Bought three jackets and a pair of boots for the winter in less than two hours! Not bad for a person who doesn't really fancy shopping :P

Also, the snow came again :) And so we played with the snow, made a snowman and also my first snow angel!

Also, got to spend more time with friends here. Trips, coffee dates, homecooked dinner by the boys from IVF, a Korean movie with no subtitles but which we could understand (improvements!) and a lot of meet ups over some sort of food or coffee :) I'm going to miss the friends here and even some have become family. The conversations, the experiences, the lives.

This month has been teaching me where to put my focus on - Christ. And that as I look to Christ, my perspectives change which in turn affects the way I think, feel, act, speak, etc. However, I've stumbled about so many many times. Getting distracted, losing focus, messy emotions, and so on. :\ But His grace always finds me, picks me up and shows me again and again the way I should go. It's been humbling.

I miss home a lot, though.

Also there's been quite a number of people who have lost loved ones :( And it just keeps reminding me: Life is short. Time is so limited. You never know if today is your last day on earth. Are you living a life that is to His Kingdom and glory? And also the people in our lives, are we loving them?

Aww.. shucks. This made me emo.

Goodbye November, Hello December :)

Let our King be Lifted Up

Hosanna in the Highest 

Let our King be lifted up

Hosanna

Real thought as we sang this song in PKV today,

"What in my life lifts Jesus up?"

Do my actions, word, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, choices, etc. reflect what I sing so passionately in this song? Or are the words just confined to good music and are mere lyrics of the song?

What in my life lifts Jesus up?

When people look at my life, do they see Christ?

Or am I just putting on my own show...

Let our King be lifted up.

what are you mindful of?

when a million and one things are calling for your attention, what do you focus on?

the most immediate task at hand? the one with the biggest impact? the thing closest to your heart? the relatively easier and simpler task? the ones you fear? the ones you love? getting the ones you dislike done and over with? things for yourself? things for others? things for God?

i woke up from my nap very abruptly today with these thoughts:
- what are my concerns? the things i feel burdened about.
- whose business am i being mindful/taking care of? my own or God's?

it was quite an uneasy feeling because recently so many things have been happening. i just go from one task to the next. neglecting certain very important things such as relationships, people, responsibilities, services, commitments and at times my faith :( i become numb at times.

yet, i thank God for His timely reminders and wake up calls, His encouragement and grace. i thank God that He brings me through and guides me. i thank God that when i struggle and stumble, He is still in control. i thank God for the hope we have in Him.

at times, my priorities get messed up :\ and i really need God to sort me out. and that sorting out (in other words discipline) can get pretty painful. worst is when we put the gifts and good things God has blessed us with in the places higher than they should be. when the good things become hindrances, idols, stumbling blocks.

beware! be careful! be on your guard! be focused upon God!

Colossians 3:1-4

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory.

which means

November is ending,

which means

December is beginning,

which means

Christmas is coming,

which means

Holidays :D

which mean

the end of semester,
which means

assignment deadlines
which after that means

study break,

which also means

exams after :\

which then means
freedom when it's done :D
which before that means

a new year,

which means

the end of 2012,

which means

the fresh start of 2013

which means

...

I always say it's crazy how time flies :| but I thank God for each and every moment and second with Him. And in Him I know my days and times are secure in His hands. There will be crazy stormy confusing tiring and horrible days, but we can trust in the God, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, to bring us through what is to come. We need not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

Trust God and seek Him first.

what i miss

I  miss home. I miss Dad and Mom. I miss Yew Kong and Charity and Panda the bunny. I miss Yew Meng. I miss Yew Leung. I miss Ernest, the boyfriend. I miss my secondary school days and friends. I miss netball and the team. I miss CF. I miss church. I miss camps. I miss my grandparents. I miss my loved ones who have passed away. I miss Ipoh. I miss my roommates. I miss those days in Kelantan in NS. I miss school holidays. I miss sleepovers. I miss Saturday mornings and cartoons. As much as I didn't like it then, I miss scouting and the troop. I miss prayer gatherings. I miss studying in church. I miss dancing. I miss my family. I miss friends I've drifted apart from. I miss friends who are far away. I miss the beach, I miss the mountains, I miss the waterfalls, I miss the jungles. I miss the adventures. I miss the children. I miss travelling. I miss fishing. I miss hiking. I miss my childhood. I miss my teenage years. I miss the excitement. I miss the chasing. I miss the crazy fun random times. I miss the discovery. I miss carefree days. I miss a lot of people, a lot of times, a lot of things, a lot of places, a lot.

The world changes. Familiarity fades, but then the new things in life take that position after a while. It keeps us moving forward, keeps us extending our boundaries, keeps us going. Sometimes we look back and we miss the old. But I say to me,"Set your eyes on things above and not on the things of the earth..." because the person I miss most is my Lord, Jesus Christ. And I await to see Him when He returns.

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Colossians 3:2

the non-stop zone

it's already been three weeks of semester, or should i say, it's only been three weeks into the semester... and things have been going on back to back.

i call this the "non-stop zone".

for me as a university student, it usually comes at the end of the semester with the crazy assignment datelines all packed together or when the lecturers all seem to conspire to have tests the same week.

i think non-stop zones are pretty dangerous though :\ if we're not careful.

there's this thing called "burn out" or the more ganas term "crash and burn"

where you just keep running and running till you reach empty.

been there. and it's horrible. 

having people to encourage you and to focus on the right stuff really saves you from burning out. being reminded that it's not by our own strength and abilities we do the things we do, but it is by God's grace and strength we persevere on. and i am thankful for such people in my life.

there's also the "workaholic" syndrome.

where all you do and focus on is - work. you just go from one task to the next, to the next, to the next. it's pretty easy to get caught up in work in the non-stop zone. and it's scary, cause you may sometimes lose sight of the things that matter (like taking relationships and people's needs for granted) or even the purpose of why you're doing something. 

been here too. and it's not a good place to be in.

we do need to take those pauses every now and then, to check whether we're just going through the motions to the point we lose sight and the meaning of living. 

i think momentum is good, but having the right fuel and drive is even more important. in the midst of crazy busy times, it's even more crucial that we have those times where we just sit at the feet of Jesus like how Mary did, just enjoying and dwelling in the presence of our Lord. it's through these encounters we find refreshment and refuge in Him.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.

Psalm 91:1-2

i pray that no matter how busy we get, that we will always know that our lives have a very great purpose in God. it is more than the work we do or the datelines we have to meet, it is more than our activities and programs, more than the projects and assignments. our lives are meant for so much more, the only kind of life that is truly fulfilling and that really counts is a life lived unto the Lord according to what God calls us to. and that is a life worth living :) and i believe, it is exciting!

may you find refuge and strength in God even as you go through your non-stop zones.

confrontations

i've realized something about myself, i don't like confrontations. i'd rather not. but then that becomes the cause for a lot more trouble. cause i end up sweeping things under the carpet and when that carpet gets too full, it becomes an ugly sight. i can't go on pretending like nothing's happened and that things will sort themselves out or i conveniently forget or ignore the problem. 

confrontations are necessary. to fix things, to right wrongs, to stand for truth. confrontations can be painful, uncomfortable, harsh, cold, distant. and maybe that's why i'd rather not. rather not go through all that. until, it's too late and i lose the person or the situation.

i look back at my two years in uni; the people, the friends, the situations. there are things i feel could have been better, people who i should have confronted as i watched their lives go in all sorts of directions. you know, it's so much easier to mind your own business. and anyway, who are you to say what others should do with their lives or how they should live? but what if you know it's pretty much self-destruction? would you still stay silent? is it good enough to just be there, to be there through it and at the end of it? would the person then turn to you and say, you knew all this while i was wrong and you never bothered to correct me? then sometimes i guess, it's cause i've not been close enough to them to have the right to say anything. i mean you have to earn your right to say something to someone, right? 

i think i don't like confrontations because i don't want to face confrontations myself. i know there's a whole lot of mess in me and i know if someone were to walk into my life and confront me about it, i'd feel pretty lousy. like crap lousy. but then correction and reproof is essential for us to grow, essential for us to learn. 

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,

but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:15

so, should we confront or not? i guess, the way one does it is crucial too. and asking for God's grace and wisdom as we try to speak the truth in love. words can either build up or totally destroy. and we've all experienced that one way or another. but anytime there is confrontation it should be for the better of the listener. not to destroy, belittle or humiliate, but to correct and strengthen. to save a life. 

confrontation is by far better than talking about it behind someone's back (unless you're talking with God, of course). of course it's easier to say what the situation should be like to others who would probably agree very much with you rather than telling it to the person who it actually really matters to. i know i'm guilty of it. :( God, forgive me. 

i think, at the end of the day, you really have no right to say anything. it's just whether you care enough to tell the person what you believe is right. and we all need that kind of person in our lives, someone who loves us enough to tell us the truth. there's enough nice people to go around treating us politely and respecting our lifestyles, but someone who loves you would want to save you from destroying yourself. 

i thank God for these "someones" He has placed in my life, who tell me things like, "WaiYan, you've changed.", "WaiYan, are you sure you're not compromising?", "WaiYan, clean your room! It's so messy!!" (mom, haha). there are times i don't listen, times i don't like hearing what i'm being told, times i get hurt, times i get confused :\ but i know, that every time i bring these to God, He answers in His own way and in His own time. and i thank God that these people love me enough to tell me where i'm going wrong. at least, i know and am not completely ignorant to my folly.

and i thank God that He is the one who loves me most, who loves me enough to discipline and correct me. although painful and confusing at times, i am assured my life is safe under His watch. He lets things happen for a reason, there are times He'll allow you to make your own decisions which include some mistakes and wrong choices. the consequences painful. but His grace and mercy never fail and you learn a lot from these experiences and bits and pieces of life. 

i'm learning still. learning to face confrontations and learning to speak the truth in love. learning to listen before speaking. learning to accept my faults and failures. learning that life is not just for me to live as i please, but that i should live to please God.

so, i invite you to be part of my learning. teach me. speak to me about my errors and wrongs. rebuke and reprimand me where i have gone wrong. and may i be humble enough to accept the things said. may i know you do it because you love me, not because you want to break me or destroy me. but even then, i know confrontations are not exactly a painless and enjoyable process, so i ready myself and am open to whatever may come. (so brave, kan? kidding, haha.) time to die to self.

it does not envy

why do we envy? because we do not have and we want. i think one way to make the world a less envious place, is to share. then everybody will have and there will be less needs, less lacks. they say, "sharing is caring." i think that is true.

it does not envy

learned that more than not envying others, love is about sharing. learning together, growing together, experiencing life together :) sharing. because both parties have and there is no need to covet. i want to be selfless in sharing my life with others, with you.

take your mind off things

so, i just got some news that's gotten me pretty nervous. it's got to do with a ton of extra responsibilities which i would be taking up next year. as if the previous semester didn't already have me in tears and fatigue, the coming semester i foresee will be a pretty tough road to walk.

nevertheless, i remind myself of the hope i have in God. the strength and joy and wisdom i know i will need is found in Him. and though i am pretty scared, okay, terrified of what is to come, i take a deep breath and know i will live through it. 

to get my mind off all that, i went on a little outing with Susan, Atie and Brandon yesterday to Sunway Pyramid. it was Susan's birthday and we went to catch a locally produced film  - Relationship Status. 

pretty good for a local made film.
though the morals in it are pretty rotten - cheating spouses, friends with benefits, etc.

however, i must say, the movie does make you think about social networking and all its effects on relationships. i recall back on all the times when i'd go check out the profiles of some boy i fancied and check out his pictures and all that. i remember how some friends put on vague statuses that they expected certain significant people or person to interpret or the times when someone read too much into a vague status which turned out to be nothing close to what was intended. i think social networking in a way has become a mask in one way or another. the way we mask our emotions, the way we mask our situations, we mask who we really are. when we want to tell the world something but we don't want the world to know everything, we can be unclear, vague, masked. (well maybe some people, not everyone. shall not generalise).

i like the break i'm getting from having turned off my facebook account for the time being. :) sad to say, i need facebook to survive in uni if not i'll be a katak di bawah tempurung. and my responsibilities require me to be in touch :\ 

so apart from a movie and good company, i baked choc chip cookies :) and did a bit of experimenting too with nutella (which turned out awesome :P chehwah..)

process and products :)
though the nutella cookies became square biscuits :\ haha.

so, that filled our house with the sweet smell of baking cookies and took my mind of what is to come for a bit. but i think what really helped me come to terms with it was a friend to talk to. encouragement, support and comfort. and a lot of reminders of a God who is bigger than my situations. thank God for friends!

and i'm reminded of item three on my advice to my future self - don't push people away, relationships are important! (and checking out someone's facebook account isn't really "keeping in touch" lah).

I thank God for YOU! :)