magic dust

I must be really stressed :\

Came to the blog to just play with the cursor and watch the glitter/sprinkles/pixels fall whenever i move my mouse around. Like magic dust :D

Things have been pretty tough lately, consequences of terrible time management and procrastination :( Been pretty down about things especially my academic project. Many times I wish I could just do a disappearing act, vanish, do a "now you see me, now you don't", *tadaa!* thing. Sometimes I wish I could do magic blackouts or something. Hmmmm. Yeah, I've been pretty stressed.

Nevertheless, God has been graceful and God has been good. His love, as the Bible says, endures forever. And I am getting by on heavy dosages of grace and reminders of His everlasting promises. Perspectives change many things! The process has been humbling but it has taught me much.

Trust. Faith. Love. Hope. Peace. Joy. Persevere. Pray. (Just to name a few)

And so, I'm glad to say, "I'm still alive." :) Well, like Joanne says, "You think so easy to die meh? Dying not so easy wan." -.- True, our lives and times are in His hands, set by our God.

I have something better than magic dust :) a million gazillion times better than magic dust :) I have Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. And He has conquered things far worst than my academic project. Heh.

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. 

To Him be glory forever. Amen.

Romans 11:36 

confrontations

i've realized something about myself, i don't like confrontations. i'd rather not. but then that becomes the cause for a lot more trouble. cause i end up sweeping things under the carpet and when that carpet gets too full, it becomes an ugly sight. i can't go on pretending like nothing's happened and that things will sort themselves out or i conveniently forget or ignore the problem. 

confrontations are necessary. to fix things, to right wrongs, to stand for truth. confrontations can be painful, uncomfortable, harsh, cold, distant. and maybe that's why i'd rather not. rather not go through all that. until, it's too late and i lose the person or the situation.

i look back at my two years in uni; the people, the friends, the situations. there are things i feel could have been better, people who i should have confronted as i watched their lives go in all sorts of directions. you know, it's so much easier to mind your own business. and anyway, who are you to say what others should do with their lives or how they should live? but what if you know it's pretty much self-destruction? would you still stay silent? is it good enough to just be there, to be there through it and at the end of it? would the person then turn to you and say, you knew all this while i was wrong and you never bothered to correct me? then sometimes i guess, it's cause i've not been close enough to them to have the right to say anything. i mean you have to earn your right to say something to someone, right? 

i think i don't like confrontations because i don't want to face confrontations myself. i know there's a whole lot of mess in me and i know if someone were to walk into my life and confront me about it, i'd feel pretty lousy. like crap lousy. but then correction and reproof is essential for us to grow, essential for us to learn. 

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,

but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:15

so, should we confront or not? i guess, the way one does it is crucial too. and asking for God's grace and wisdom as we try to speak the truth in love. words can either build up or totally destroy. and we've all experienced that one way or another. but anytime there is confrontation it should be for the better of the listener. not to destroy, belittle or humiliate, but to correct and strengthen. to save a life. 

confrontation is by far better than talking about it behind someone's back (unless you're talking with God, of course). of course it's easier to say what the situation should be like to others who would probably agree very much with you rather than telling it to the person who it actually really matters to. i know i'm guilty of it. :( God, forgive me. 

i think, at the end of the day, you really have no right to say anything. it's just whether you care enough to tell the person what you believe is right. and we all need that kind of person in our lives, someone who loves us enough to tell us the truth. there's enough nice people to go around treating us politely and respecting our lifestyles, but someone who loves you would want to save you from destroying yourself. 

i thank God for these "someones" He has placed in my life, who tell me things like, "WaiYan, you've changed.", "WaiYan, are you sure you're not compromising?", "WaiYan, clean your room! It's so messy!!" (mom, haha). there are times i don't listen, times i don't like hearing what i'm being told, times i get hurt, times i get confused :\ but i know, that every time i bring these to God, He answers in His own way and in His own time. and i thank God that these people love me enough to tell me where i'm going wrong. at least, i know and am not completely ignorant to my folly.

and i thank God that He is the one who loves me most, who loves me enough to discipline and correct me. although painful and confusing at times, i am assured my life is safe under His watch. He lets things happen for a reason, there are times He'll allow you to make your own decisions which include some mistakes and wrong choices. the consequences painful. but His grace and mercy never fail and you learn a lot from these experiences and bits and pieces of life. 

i'm learning still. learning to face confrontations and learning to speak the truth in love. learning to listen before speaking. learning to accept my faults and failures. learning that life is not just for me to live as i please, but that i should live to please God.

so, i invite you to be part of my learning. teach me. speak to me about my errors and wrongs. rebuke and reprimand me where i have gone wrong. and may i be humble enough to accept the things said. may i know you do it because you love me, not because you want to break me or destroy me. but even then, i know confrontations are not exactly a painless and enjoyable process, so i ready myself and am open to whatever may come. (so brave, kan? kidding, haha.) time to die to self.

He says to me,

"Do not fear, be strong.

I will never leave you nor forsake you."

*takes a deep breath and takes hold of God's hand*

final week.

God, be our strength and lead us through this week.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

take your mind off things

so, i just got some news that's gotten me pretty nervous. it's got to do with a ton of extra responsibilities which i would be taking up next year. as if the previous semester didn't already have me in tears and fatigue, the coming semester i foresee will be a pretty tough road to walk.

nevertheless, i remind myself of the hope i have in God. the strength and joy and wisdom i know i will need is found in Him. and though i am pretty scared, okay, terrified of what is to come, i take a deep breath and know i will live through it. 

to get my mind off all that, i went on a little outing with Susan, Atie and Brandon yesterday to Sunway Pyramid. it was Susan's birthday and we went to catch a locally produced film  - Relationship Status. 

pretty good for a local made film.
though the morals in it are pretty rotten - cheating spouses, friends with benefits, etc.

however, i must say, the movie does make you think about social networking and all its effects on relationships. i recall back on all the times when i'd go check out the profiles of some boy i fancied and check out his pictures and all that. i remember how some friends put on vague statuses that they expected certain significant people or person to interpret or the times when someone read too much into a vague status which turned out to be nothing close to what was intended. i think social networking in a way has become a mask in one way or another. the way we mask our emotions, the way we mask our situations, we mask who we really are. when we want to tell the world something but we don't want the world to know everything, we can be unclear, vague, masked. (well maybe some people, not everyone. shall not generalise).

i like the break i'm getting from having turned off my facebook account for the time being. :) sad to say, i need facebook to survive in uni if not i'll be a katak di bawah tempurung. and my responsibilities require me to be in touch :\ 

so apart from a movie and good company, i baked choc chip cookies :) and did a bit of experimenting too with nutella (which turned out awesome :P chehwah..)

process and products :)
though the nutella cookies became square biscuits :\ haha.

so, that filled our house with the sweet smell of baking cookies and took my mind of what is to come for a bit. but i think what really helped me come to terms with it was a friend to talk to. encouragement, support and comfort. and a lot of reminders of a God who is bigger than my situations. thank God for friends!

and i'm reminded of item three on my advice to my future self - don't push people away, relationships are important! (and checking out someone's facebook account isn't really "keeping in touch" lah).

I thank God for YOU! :)

Week 9

It's Thursday already :| Eeps! And I've still got much to finish up. I have no idea why I'm so unproductive :( It's like nothing seems to be moving. It's like I'm just moving in circles and time keeps running and pretty soon it'll be Week 9 where I've got presentations and datelines to meet. I don't want Week 9 to come.

I'm not even looking at Week 10 :\

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Matthew 6:34

One day at a time, one day at a time. God, please help me through each day. I'm such a hopeless case on my own :( But with God, life is worth living. 

what are you afraid of?

I am starting to do a book entitled ‘Praying for Purpose for women’ a birthday gift from Joshua Chin when I was 18 years old. I believe it was quite timely for me to start the book at this time. Life’s been non-stop since university started been very busy and am growing weary, feeling pretty lost and frustrated many times.

And as I type all this out, I’m going to try to be as honest as I can be. I am fully aware that there are a ton of flaws and imperfections in me, to the point it is called “ugly”. But I hear, acknowledging it is the first step to change, painful and humbling steps.

The question today was “What are you afraid of?”

Two things:
1. Failure
2. Disappointing others and God

And that’s simply what I’ve been facing. A lot of things not going my way, things in the “could have been better” state, regret, letting others down, disappointing others and myself. It’s been so frustrating

Makes me question, “Am I a people pleaser kind of person?” I think to a certain extent I am. I’ve always wanted to prove myself for something since I was young having struggled with many “Who am I?” questions at one point. Achievements were something I sub-consciously chased after. Certain events made me realize this, such as when I found myself being quite upset over the so-so results I obtained for STPM. Through many of those times, I found God’s grace and love telling me I need not prove anything to Him, for He loved me for who I am, who He created me to be. Many times, I found myself in His comfort finding my worth and purpose in Him when the circumstances around me told me otherwise. Thank you, God.

At twenty one, I still struggle with myself. I still look at expectations and shudder, yet I still do what I am expected to do till the point where I just do it for the sake of doing it. I’m not sure where this will take me. I think I need to start to take some steps back and look at it all from a distance again and ask, “Why am I doing this?”

I want to be a God pleaser, not a people pleaser. I want my life to be lived for His will and His purposes not the will and expectations of man on me.

God, teach me and grant me Your strength to face my fears and begin to live a life of victory for You.

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8

Remind me; it’s not about me, it’s ALL about God.

nothing can separate

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  

Romans 8:37-39

when all is uncertain,

hold on to what is unchanging.

You are unchanging, everlasting,

the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

and therefore,

my hope in You is certain.

i love you.

i really really really need You, God.

Answer me when I call to you,

O my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 4:1

am not going through anything like what King David went through. 

but there are things that are really bringing me down :(

yet I believe in a mighty God, the God of David and many others who went through all kinds of situations. And I know nothing is impossible for Him.

there is hope even in the most hopeless situations.

in God there is hope.

please, help me. :'(

rescue

Dear God,

I really really really need you, Lord. :(

i'm not asking that You give me straight A's in my exams cause i know i don't deserve it.

i'm not asking You to take me out of my situations and place me in a world i percieve as perfect, cause that's just me wanting to run away.

i'm not asking You to show me what the future holds so that i'll be comforted cause that's not faith and who am i to ask that of You?

but please,

i'm asking that You'll teach me what to do.

i'm asking for Your grace and strength to get through this.

i'm asking that You help me to look at things through Your eyes and to look to You.

i'm asking that You'll calm my fears and grant me courage to go through with this.

because You know what's in my heart. and You know what's best.

i need you. i need You to come to my rescue, Lord...

The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not be in want.

Psalm 23:1

i'm scared, so i run

i don't know, i don't know what the future holds.
it's so uncertain. such a blur.

i try to make things better by planning, practicing, preparing.
instead, i should be praying.

next year, next year.
it's going to be exciting, interesting.
but there are things i'm afraid to face.
studies, people, responsibilities, exams, things.

i'm scared, so i run.
i run, i run away from people, away from studies, away from things.
i run but not far enough, not fast enough.

we can never run away forever.

i guess i have to face up to things.

no, i cannot, i must not keep running away.
God doesn't want me to keep running away.

all i need to do is trust Him, allow Him to take it from me.
surrender it all to Him, lay it at His feet.
and listen, listen and obey Him.

“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

God's telling me to be still. to stop running. to stop taking things into my own hands - planning, practicing and preparing, to stop trusting in my own capabilities and abilities. He's telling me to acknowledge His Greatness, His Majesty, His Holiness, to acknowledge that He is God. God above the nations, above the earth.

truly, because He is God, there is nothing impossible for Him.

what are my little fears compared to Him?

Lord, teach me to be still before You,
to know and be reminded that You are God,
and there is no other like You.
and because You are my God, i have nothing to fear.
My future is in Your hands, You know my needs and You provide.
You love me and
because You love me, i know my security is in You.
I know I belong to You.
Thank You, Lord.
I commit next year into Your hands.
Guide me, light my path.
Draw me close to You.