Loving Him with my All - Whenever and Wherever

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Layakkanlah seluruh hidupku

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Pakailah sesuai dengan recanaMu

I've been singing this song to Lukas the past few nights as I put him to sleep. But this morning as we sang it during worship in church, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart yearned for God and to love God wholeheartedly.

I had not been loving God as I should this past year.

That was a painful and scary confession to make and as I reflect on it, it is such a serious yet hidden issue. For who knows the thoughts of our hearts but God alone. 

We are now beginning the month of December. Another year is coming to its end again and it often puts me in a reflective mood as I look back at the year.

This year was a year full of transitions for me. Coming back to PJ from Semporna, becoming a mother, teaching in a new school, adapting to our families. 

Coming back from Semporna had so many aspects to it. I honestly struggled and don't think I transitioned well through the changes. It came suddenly yet also expectedly. It came with both joy and sorrow. It came with a heavy heart yet also relief. It's hard to explain, it was hard to say goodbye. 

I didn't really have time to process it with everything happening so rapidly, one thing after another - coming back on a Saturday, I began work at my new school on Monday, about a month plus later, I delivered Lukas and had to learn to become a mom, a steep learning curve and a whole new experience. It was a blessing to have my family to help me through that. Then when I thought I was getting a hang of it, maternity leave ended and it was back to school. I thank God for Christian believers that He used to encourage and help me along the way. But I often felt tired and lost at the end of most days. And without realising days, weeks, months pass.

You look back and you wonder where did the time go. You look back and you know that God was always present because it was His grace you were able to go through all that. 

But I also look back and I know that I was really bitter and hurting at times. I look back and I know that I struggled to love God and others. I look back and I know that I became rather selfish and self-centered along the way. I look back and I repent.

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku...

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya.

Though the seasons change in my life,

I will still love Jesus always.

That's why the song's lyrics cut deep because I know that as the seasons changed, I was bitter and upset at God. I may have even blamed Him and I never resolved the issue. But I must not live in the past, I must not live upon "what if's", I need to live in the present, in this particular season, time, and place and love God with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength. 

I love You, Lord.
Forgive me when my love wavers.

Help me to love you with everything I am. 

PAUSE

I just need a place to vent, a place to pause, reflect, express.

Gosh, I'm so tired. I think I'm at the brink of burn out and am just wanting to stay in bed and not get out of it. 

So, it's been almost 8 months here in Semporna. The place is not so new any more, the new teacher charm has worn off, the whole positive, "Yes, I'm here and I'm going to make a difference," demeanour has been fed a good spoonful of the reality that this is tough. Lots of times, I get caught up in the motions of things; wake up, work, come back, repeat. Bleh. That's not how life is meant to be.

There are times I get a little discouraged, figuring that I'm busy but not very purposeful here, I need to be purposeful to be effective. One night, I lay in bed and whispered, "God, I'm so sorry. I'm really not living out the purpose You have placed me here for. I'm sorry I'm failing you." :'(

And that's when I realized.. "Hey, it's not about me. It's never been about me. It's about God from beginning to the end. And so, I am here to reflect Christ. And I got to be intentional in doing so. When I am weak, He is strong. And His grace is sufficient for me."

I don't know why I'm struggling at this. Maybe it's my personality or a character flaw. But I'm not ready to give up. By the grace of God, I will be able to learn from this and I will become better at this. I will not lose sight of my purpose of being here in Semporna and I would not settle to the point that this job is just a paycheck. No. This job is about lives: many many maaaannnyyy lives. And I do want to make a difference, make it a little better for these lives. One life at a time.

Pause. Breathe, One Life at a Time. Play.

stay the course

"Christian life is like a big round boulder rolling uphill." 

- Mr Lian during Tuesday Night's Bible Studies.

Indeed it is unnatural and it is a struggle most times, but most of all it is impossible without the work and power of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

So, it's November. ALREADY?! This year has been so many ups and downs and in betweens. But I am thankful for God's faithfulness through it all and for the people in my life who have been there.

I left my university life and am embarking on new journeys and learning new things. I am going through uncertain phases and times where I am afraid of my own emotions and state of mind. And it's a whole lot of figuring out but I'm learning that I cannot figure it out on my own with just a lot of thinking and self-reflecting. I need the Spirit of God to convict and the Word of God to be a mirror to check my life and self. It's scary how far I've strayed off course at times and I suppose it begins with the little little diversions, the little compromises, the little put off's and procrastinating, the little distractions.

"Stay the course, Wai Yan!"

"Read my Word," He says to me. "Drink of my Spirit. Pray."

O Lord, keep me on the right course in this journey of life. One that is according to your will, that brings you glory and delight and that pleases you. Grant me the strength and empowerment to be like a rock that is rolling uphill despite the gravity of this world that pulls me away from you. Humble me that I may grow and learn from you. Teach me to walk in faith, in hope and in love. 

In Jesus Name, Amen. 

change of mindset

Lately, I've been having some challenges to the way I see things and some shifts in my perspectives.

Well, not lately, my whole life is made up of that sort of thing really. That's life right? New things come in, people with different ideas or opinions, you learn new things through exposure and your world becomes a little bigger, brighter, darker, deeper, better or even worse (depending on how you begin to look at things).

There are truths, I believe. And truths are objective and absolute. But that's another matter altogether.

So, I like to think of myself as someone who is pretty rational in most areas, someone who is respectful and understanding towards others, and someone who has an open mind and an open heart to learn and receive new knowledge and wisdom. (I think too highly of myself. Be humble, Wai Yan!)

Boy, was I wrong about all that. And what it took was when someone whom I really loved had a rather different and conflicting views with me. Okay, maybe I took it personally and I didn't like that he disagreed with me. I didn't like that I may be wrong or was wrong. :( It really bugged me. It confused me. Was I to be humble and take in this person's view and accept it or was I to be firm in my convictions?

I didn't want to be the kind of person who just believes everything she is told or who just follows the latest or most popular school of thoughts. I didn't want to follow and believe blindly what I was told. I wanted to hold firm to convictions that were mine and stand on foundations that were firm and true. I wanted to have substance in what I believed in.

But most of all, I wanted my thoughts and my opinions to be in line with God's thoughts and truths which would be the Word of God. It was a call to look through His perspectives, to study His Word and to view the world and all its ideas and its whole existence through the lens of God's Word.

Well, how that issue of disagreement was resolved is that there is such a thing as agreeing to disagree and to disagree with grace. After lots of talking and sharing, we decided it was fine to be where we were in our thoughts on the issue. I would take in the person's view but I don't have to accept it as mine. I guess it's a lot more complicated if it's someone you love very much disagreeing with you on some fundamental truth you've had.

That experience however, made me examine my attitude and mindset. And I prayed about it. Because I know I was weak and I make mistakes. And I knew I needed God's grace, wisdom and discernment in all this.

The thought that came and the prayer uttered after was;

Lord,
Let me not be like a wave tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine or newest issue or standpoint. Let me not be like a rock that is so stubborn and so hardened that I do not allow You to move in me and change me. May I be a river, that flows and carries the presence of God wherever I go, that brings life and refreshing to all around me. That washes over the stubborn rocks and gets them wet. Letting them know that there is a God and that He lives.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

"Change of mindset," 

my loves said to me.

it always hopes.

I don't understand and I don't know everything.

I cannot comprehend all.

There are things beyond me, beyond my grasp.

There are things beyond my control.

I don't know why it's hard for me.

Why can't I just let go, move on.

Why I find it hard to accept certain things.

I struggle and struggle still.

But that doesn't mean I give up.

It doesn't mean it's okay to stop trying.

Abandon, surrender.

But it matters to who or what.

It is wrong if I abandon and surrender in disappointment.

But it is right to abandon and surrender to God.

It always hopes.

In Him, there is always hope.

final semester

So after almost half a year of not being back in university (about 2 months doing my teaching practice and 4 months away in Korea for student exchange), I am back in UM for my final semester of my TESL programme. If all goes well, I finish in about half a year :) Finish!

It's seems unreal. Almost four years have passed just like that.

And already it's Week 4. I don't know why, but things just have been a bit too much to handle. I thought it'd be a relaxing final semester :\ But I thank God for the strength and grace He provides just enough for each day.

My struggle is balance. I'm just terrible at it. I'll take one thing and neglect another and my ability to prioritize is really deteriorating. I really need to learn how to do this. Life doesn't seem to be slowing down or getting any easier anytime soon.

My greatest struggle though is my spiritual walk with God. And this is taking everything in me apart. Because without Him I am nothing and can do nothing. And it's been hard to break free, hard to repent and turn around, hard to walk true to His Word and commands. And I feel really far, really distant. But He reminds me through different ways that He is bigger and beyond my struggles, that I do not struggle through this alone nor am I on my own. There's still much figuring out to do. And pray, I shall overcome.

Have a blessed day.

Praying for the MH370 situation, for the loved ones, family and friends of the passengers on the missing flight.