no time to waste

i realize, that when a person is going through hard and tough times, there is quite a large probability that they may fall into self-pity which then leads to being selfish, always thinking about themselves and how 'poor things' they are.

or is it the other way around? they're selfish and then they become self-pitiful? hmm...that is worth some thought.

i didn't just stumble on this realization randomly, nor did i find it by sitting and judging people around me. it came more like a slap in the face because i went through it.

i have to admit. i have been a very self-pitying and selfish person lately.

well, it all started with some rough times. (won't go into detail because it is quite personal, but i'll share if you ask me personally :) and those rough times happened when i was some what "alone". the people who usually surrounded me when i was in school were now busy with their own lives, some in National Service (NS), others in college, some working, etc. basically, i wasn't surrounded by the people i saw almost everyday in a week anymore.

apart from not having the people i would usually pour out to, there for me to share my heart with and to encourage and help me through, i was also faced with another situation. i didn't have anyone to care for or reach out to physically. one of the things that kept me going even in the midst of struggles was knowing that when there are people, there is a need to love and care for them like how Jesus does whether they are broken or not. and i wanted to do that.

but recently when i was given my "alone" time (okay, i had my family but that's a different thing) there seemed to be no need to love and care for others, well, not like when i was still in school. in school, there were so many others with dilemmas in their lives that were worse than mine, this in a way showed me how blessed i am and how good God has been to me. as i went through my rough times, i had no one to turn to and i was unfaithful and forgot God's grace in my life. i fell into self-pity and then i became selfish.

okay, so i wasn't in a totally-absolutely-no-connection-with-outside-world situation. i still went for cf, still met up with some friends, still chatted on msn, etc. and that's when i realize i was starting to be very selfish.

if i was tired, i made no effort to entertain anyone, no effort to talk and listen to anyone, no effort to care for anyone. if i was down, i would sit quietly alone and when others who cared asked if i was okay, i would just give a dead "okay". i was selfish and i was starting to not care for those around me. when i met new people, i didn't make any effort to get to know them, i just gave them my name and a smile. i don't think they remember me. and what really made me worry was, i didn't really bother if they would remember me or not.

what kind of life was i living? what kind of testimony was i? is this how i am to impact the lives of those around me? i certainly don't think so.

there i was, not caring about the people around me, just because i didn't feel like it. you tell me, selfish or not?

but i thank God for waking me up. for sending people to speak to me. for His grace and His forgiveness. it is not right for me to inhibit God's work just because i am tired and being all down about my situation. there is no point in that.

i am not saying that you cannot cry before God when you feel helpless and broken, when you're going through a rough time. it is definitely important to pour out hearts out to God, He is there for us always and He wants us to come near to Him. and i am not saying that you should put up a fake smile even when you don't feel like it. but what i am trying to get across here is that we cannot let ourselves get too absorbed in our problems until we lose sight of our hope, our faith and our purpose. we must press on towards the goal which Christ has called us to.

as long as i am here on earth, as long as i can breath and am alive, as long as i am able, i have a purpose in Christ. i have a calling to be a witness to those around me, i have been commanded to love my those around me. and everyday, as time passes, life becomes shorter. time cannot be turned back and thus therefore, there is no time to waste.

1 Peter 4:7-11
The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self–controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Dear Lord,
I don't want to be selfish and self-pitiful anymore.
I don't want to waste my life away in this way.
God give me the strength and vision to look ahead.

Love them like Jesus

2008 has been ups and downs for me so far. goodness, and it's only halfway through january.

but it's true. there's so many things going on in my life right now. and certain things just seem so broken. and it really really hurts.

it's not just me. i know others who are going through so much too. and i just can't help but ask God - why??

why are we going through all these?
why do we find it so hard to love one another?
why are things so broken? why are situations so discouraging?
why do we seem so lost?
why? why? why?

but there seems to be no "correct" answer to it all. God never gave me a clear "because..." and that makes me keep wondering and it keeps getting more and more frustrating. in the end, i just want to give up all together.

but in the end i realize, if we keep asking "why" we never really get anywhere. instead, it should be committing circumstances and everything unto God and asking Him what he wants us to do. but it's not so easy, i admit.

it's not that we do not know what God wants us to do, it's more like we rather choose not to do it.

we know we should love others more, love them like how Jesus loves us and them. but can you honestly say, you are showing God's love through your life to the people around you? to the people who hurt you and who irritate you? who back stab you or go against you? it's really not easy to love everyone.

Love for Enemies (Luke 6:27-36)

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

but this is what Jesus is asking us to do. the passage talks about loving our enemies. but somehow, it seems like we're not even loving and caring for the people around us, our friends, our classmates, our families, even other christians. how can we love our enemies, if even the people who we're with everyday, we don't show love to? is this obeying what God is asking us to do? i don't think so.

this is just a small part, there's so much more. and i'm sure all of it hurts God so much too, it breaks His heart. and it breaks mine too. what Jesus did on the cross for us, that love is so amazing and so wonderful, that love paid the price for the sins of man, that love sets us free! why then are we not sharing this great love with others? why then are our lives not showing this love of Christ?

it all boils down to our own decisions in the end. and for me, i want to start by trying to love and care for others more. to love them like how Jesus loves me. not easy, but i've got to start somewhere.

Dear Lord,
help me to love others, the way You love me.

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

Casting Crowns - If We Are The Body

byebye 2007, hello 2008

the year has passed by so quickly. all in all, i had lots of memories in 2007. there were the good ones and there were the painful ones. there were so many moments in 2007.

it felt like one crazy roller coaster ride! there were ups, the downs and the 360 degrees turns.

at times i felt so close to God and other times so discouraged and distant, it hurt so much.

i won't say i am satisfied with the way i lived my life in 2007, i did and said things i regretted. i felt i was a hypocrite at times and it was such a hard thing to bear.

but i would say, 2007 has taught me a lot. i've seen so much of God's amazing grace and unending love, His forgiveness. it has at times comforted me and other times broken my heart.

i thank God for the people God has brought into my life. the encouragement and prayers they gave. God really pulled me through the year. with SPM, leading the CF, the demises of loved ones, farewells, etc.

2008 is going to be so different from the past year. for one thing, i don't go back to school in january. i'm going to NS in march and i'm going back in june for Form 6.

it marks another phase of my life. and i really don't know what to expect at times. so uncertain. yet i am assured that God is going to be with me through it all. and that in itself is a promise i know i can hold on to.

Dear Lord,
Thanks for bringing me through 2007.
this year, 2008, i pray that i will walk closer to You.
help me through the times of change,
and the times i feel uncertain and lost.
i commit the new year into Your hands.

looking back in december

time flies so super fast! it's scary!

it doesn't feel so long ago when i was still sitting for SPM. or when it ended and how relieving that felt.

the last paper

it doesn't feel so long ago that i went to cherating with the crazy-est bunch of friends.

the best friend :)

on the way there

the girls- wai yan . vei li . kay lynn . yen li . li foong

the guys- jonathan . khy li . thian hong . vincent

the last night of our trip

smk taman sea's prom 2007 seemed so fast.

the table

the prom date

there was the one day trip up to genting! where it was cold and windy and rainy at times.

there was our youth dinner - PERSONAGE. we dressed up :)

cruella de vil . pink ranger (fail). simon

sue ann . simon . and pink ranger unmasked - waiyan

finally a decent picture :)

christmas was hectic and flew by so quickly. i have to admit i didn't feel all christmas-y like how i usually do. it shouldn't be that way.

and today, the friends who've gotten the first batch of National Service have left.

2008 is in THREE days time!

vei li, yen li and kay lynn are going back to australia and new zealand soon! i'll be missing them.

most of the friends are starting college in january.

it was a good december, wished it didn't have to end. but it is going to. and so here comes the new year!

the last paper

yups. this is the LAST paper of SPM! and i felt it was the most important paper of them all - BIBLE KNOWLEDGE. and i really hope that i did my very very best for God! yups :) and this is why it's the most important!

Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth;
meditate on it day and night,
so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.
Then you will be prosperous and successful.
Joshua 1:8

the whole SPM has been a crazy amazingly full of grace period. so much of God's goodness everyday! i'm so super happy that it's over!

now, for the fun fun fun i've been awaiting :) teehee. trips, shopping, sleepovers, movies!

but first. the major clean up of my room which has been struck by the exam mess! :)