clothes on

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 3:12

this verse spoke to me during my days in National Service as a dorm leader. when i was first elected dorm leader, i found it quite a struggle. this was because i was already pretty much comfortable living in my own space and taking care of myself, and when i became the dorm leader it meant i had to look out for 20 other girls. and sometimes i found it frustrating and at other times i didn't know what i should be doing.

but even as i was worrying about it all and questioning why in the world did i have to become the dorm leader, this verse spoke to me.

the first thing that touched me was the words God's chosen people. it meant that God was the one who allowed me to be the leader, who opened the way for me. you see, i never did raise my hand on the first day and say "I want to be dorm leader!!" or anything like that. and like i said i was comfortable just being a pangkat-less trainee. but God somehow made it happened and that meant that i had even more reason to lead.

it was encouragement to know that i was God's holy and dearly loved, knowing that i was set apart and that God loves me. i believe God would never place someone He loves into a situation if He did not have a plan and purpose for it, even though it may be tough and disappointing at times.

it's easy to be a dorm leader, all i have to do is get the girls out of the dorm on time, make sure out dorm is clean, know who's sick or unwell, etc. typical tugas-tugas of a dorm leader. but i didn't want to be just another dorm leader who did all my tugas-tugas, i wanted to be a dorm leader that reflected Christ in my life. and i wondered how was i to do that.

and the next part of the verse spoke it all. clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. this was what was going to make me different and an effective leader for God. but i admit at times i struggled in clothing myself with these. i found it hard to be compassionate and kind when i was irritated by others. i found myself not being very gentle with my words and actions at times (usually my words and no, i didn't whack anyone). and when my dorm mates are taking their own sweet time to get out of the dorm and berbaris, my patience ran. at times i caught myself having pride in me and i had to remind myself to be humble before God. as you can see, i was far from being clothed completely with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

but i believe God has taught me much through my days as a dorm leader. and i hope that i did make a difference for Him, He made a BIG difference in my life there. i cannot imagine what my days there would have been like without Him.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:23

the verse says whatever you do. it doesn't say 'if you're doing cf work, then work hard at it' or 'if you're doing church work, then do it with all your heart'. but it say whatever you do, it means everything you do, every role you play, whether it's getting people out on time, homework, making sure your class is clean, helping your teacher,etc.

it doesn't matter what kind of leader you are, whether it's in a christian group or not. you may be a ketua kelas or ketua rumah or ketua kebersihan or ketua kumpulan for some project or a penolong or a cf leader, church leader, cell group leader or ...

whatever kind of leader you are, know that God has chosen you and that you play your role as a leader for Him. do it for God and see the difference it makes.

anyways, here's some pictures. memories as a dorm leader, i think the most important part of it at the end of the day was not whether i got the girls out on time or whether we had the cleanest dorm but the most important thing was the people themselves, the 23 other girls i had to look out for and care for. i mean looking back now, i don't remember how many times we were late to get in line and i don't think anyone does either. but i'll remember the girls, always.

the doors of my dorm. Dorm C :)

hin hin (my cantonese teacher) and i
mira, ain, me, azma

smiles :D

saza, ecah, me, farah, che-pah, iza

pei wen (my 'best dorm mate'. it's like a 'best friend') and i

seha and i

finishing it

tomorrow, i'll be leaving once again to Kelantan for National Service.

yes, i am completing it right till the end, hopefully, even though i could easily excuse myself with the reason of going back for form 6. and yes, i am really going back for form 6 after i finish my national service.

so let me share a bit of how NS has been so far. well, it's had its fair share of ups and downs. there's been loads of new things i've learned, experiences i wouldn't have found elsewhere, people i do not regret having known. well, there are also times when i really miss home and wished i was home. i've been in situations that seem so messy and tangled up. moments where i just want to give up. i've met people with all kinds of characters and attitudes.

but at the end of the day, when i reflect back, it has always been God who has been with me through the ups and the downs. He blesses me with the happy times and friends who care. He is my encouragement and guide in my sticky situations. He's my comfort when i feel broken and lonely. God has truly been so real to me in the past months.

and now i shall return back there, for the purpose for which He has called me too. that is to be a light there. i admit that my light there hasn't been as bright as it could have been and it has been a disappointment to me, but i continue to hope and pray that God will use my life there, for the weeks that are left, to be used as His tool in His plans.

Salt and Light (Matthew 5:13-16)
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Lord, teach me to be salt and light to the people around me.
sometimes, it's just so hard to love those who've hurt me but Lord, teach me to love them with your love. because i know, you didn't just die for the lovable and easy to get along with people, but you died for each and every person here.
thank you, Lord for bringing me through so much and i pray i will continue to walk close to you.

till i see you again in june :) i'm going to finish it.

precious promises

cf camp was such a blessing to me. God is doing a new work in our cf and the lives of each and every person who went. He has shown me His grace and His awesome power. when we place Him as the center of our lives and the center of what we do, He will do great things. what happened in camp was not done by the committee or the leaders, but by God. camp was not good because of the human efforts, but because God did it.

i got to meet so many form 1's on my bus who are so so precious and dear to God. i saw the lives of those who were broken be touched by God. those who were tired and burning out were strengthened by God's mighty hand. and those who have strayed off the path, God has called them back.

the messages were simple yet powerful. the potential God has placed in us that we should live out. how we should die empty (you'll need to be there to understand this). how God has the best purpose and plans for our lives that we must pursue.

i got to enjoy the beautiful surroundings God placed on that mountain top, the coolness up there, and the many different people God placed around me.

for me, i had one desire after i left this camp. for God to create in me a heart filled with His love and His compassion for the people around me, all kinds of people, whether they are easy to love or not so easy to love, whether i've been hurt by them or not, whatever they've done or whoever they are, i want to love them like how Jesus loves them.

and believe me, it's super not easy. i can get pretty irritated and disappointed at times. but God shows me that Jesus didn't just die for the nice and lovable people, He did it for every person. amazing, huh.

and i can remember the camp verse! super long compared to last year's.

2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through this He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

:)

apart from camp, i really thank and praise God for blessing me with good results for SPM, it was beyond my expectations. and i thank Him so much. for me it really proved that when we honour God with our lives, He will honour us too. really by His grace and blessings.

and so, in about 3 more days, i'll be leaving to National Service in Kelantan. i used to be all excited and okay with it, but now, i don't really know. i'm going to miss the people here. i'm going to miss church and cf. i'm going to miss my family. my home. i'm going to miss a lot.

and so, God's work in cf camp has not yet ended but has only just begun.

keep walking with God and making choices to follow Him. it may not be easy at all, but God is a mighty God and nothing is impossible for Him! i'm going to miss seeing the work continue for the next 3 months. but i will be praying for this work to continue to grow according to God's will.

Dear Lord,
i thank you for all you've done.
continue this work that you've begun in the lives of the people
and strengthen them to run the race for you!

no time to waste

i realize, that when a person is going through hard and tough times, there is quite a large probability that they may fall into self-pity which then leads to being selfish, always thinking about themselves and how 'poor things' they are.

or is it the other way around? they're selfish and then they become self-pitiful? hmm...that is worth some thought.

i didn't just stumble on this realization randomly, nor did i find it by sitting and judging people around me. it came more like a slap in the face because i went through it.

i have to admit. i have been a very self-pitying and selfish person lately.

well, it all started with some rough times. (won't go into detail because it is quite personal, but i'll share if you ask me personally :) and those rough times happened when i was some what "alone". the people who usually surrounded me when i was in school were now busy with their own lives, some in National Service (NS), others in college, some working, etc. basically, i wasn't surrounded by the people i saw almost everyday in a week anymore.

apart from not having the people i would usually pour out to, there for me to share my heart with and to encourage and help me through, i was also faced with another situation. i didn't have anyone to care for or reach out to physically. one of the things that kept me going even in the midst of struggles was knowing that when there are people, there is a need to love and care for them like how Jesus does whether they are broken or not. and i wanted to do that.

but recently when i was given my "alone" time (okay, i had my family but that's a different thing) there seemed to be no need to love and care for others, well, not like when i was still in school. in school, there were so many others with dilemmas in their lives that were worse than mine, this in a way showed me how blessed i am and how good God has been to me. as i went through my rough times, i had no one to turn to and i was unfaithful and forgot God's grace in my life. i fell into self-pity and then i became selfish.

okay, so i wasn't in a totally-absolutely-no-connection-with-outside-world situation. i still went for cf, still met up with some friends, still chatted on msn, etc. and that's when i realize i was starting to be very selfish.

if i was tired, i made no effort to entertain anyone, no effort to talk and listen to anyone, no effort to care for anyone. if i was down, i would sit quietly alone and when others who cared asked if i was okay, i would just give a dead "okay". i was selfish and i was starting to not care for those around me. when i met new people, i didn't make any effort to get to know them, i just gave them my name and a smile. i don't think they remember me. and what really made me worry was, i didn't really bother if they would remember me or not.

what kind of life was i living? what kind of testimony was i? is this how i am to impact the lives of those around me? i certainly don't think so.

there i was, not caring about the people around me, just because i didn't feel like it. you tell me, selfish or not?

but i thank God for waking me up. for sending people to speak to me. for His grace and His forgiveness. it is not right for me to inhibit God's work just because i am tired and being all down about my situation. there is no point in that.

i am not saying that you cannot cry before God when you feel helpless and broken, when you're going through a rough time. it is definitely important to pour out hearts out to God, He is there for us always and He wants us to come near to Him. and i am not saying that you should put up a fake smile even when you don't feel like it. but what i am trying to get across here is that we cannot let ourselves get too absorbed in our problems until we lose sight of our hope, our faith and our purpose. we must press on towards the goal which Christ has called us to.

as long as i am here on earth, as long as i can breath and am alive, as long as i am able, i have a purpose in Christ. i have a calling to be a witness to those around me, i have been commanded to love my those around me. and everyday, as time passes, life becomes shorter. time cannot be turned back and thus therefore, there is no time to waste.

1 Peter 4:7-11
The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self–controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Dear Lord,
I don't want to be selfish and self-pitiful anymore.
I don't want to waste my life away in this way.
God give me the strength and vision to look ahead.

Love them like Jesus

2008 has been ups and downs for me so far. goodness, and it's only halfway through january.

but it's true. there's so many things going on in my life right now. and certain things just seem so broken. and it really really hurts.

it's not just me. i know others who are going through so much too. and i just can't help but ask God - why??

why are we going through all these?
why do we find it so hard to love one another?
why are things so broken? why are situations so discouraging?
why do we seem so lost?
why? why? why?

but there seems to be no "correct" answer to it all. God never gave me a clear "because..." and that makes me keep wondering and it keeps getting more and more frustrating. in the end, i just want to give up all together.

but in the end i realize, if we keep asking "why" we never really get anywhere. instead, it should be committing circumstances and everything unto God and asking Him what he wants us to do. but it's not so easy, i admit.

it's not that we do not know what God wants us to do, it's more like we rather choose not to do it.

we know we should love others more, love them like how Jesus loves us and them. but can you honestly say, you are showing God's love through your life to the people around you? to the people who hurt you and who irritate you? who back stab you or go against you? it's really not easy to love everyone.

Love for Enemies (Luke 6:27-36)

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

but this is what Jesus is asking us to do. the passage talks about loving our enemies. but somehow, it seems like we're not even loving and caring for the people around us, our friends, our classmates, our families, even other christians. how can we love our enemies, if even the people who we're with everyday, we don't show love to? is this obeying what God is asking us to do? i don't think so.

this is just a small part, there's so much more. and i'm sure all of it hurts God so much too, it breaks His heart. and it breaks mine too. what Jesus did on the cross for us, that love is so amazing and so wonderful, that love paid the price for the sins of man, that love sets us free! why then are we not sharing this great love with others? why then are our lives not showing this love of Christ?

it all boils down to our own decisions in the end. and for me, i want to start by trying to love and care for others more. to love them like how Jesus loves me. not easy, but i've got to start somewhere.

Dear Lord,
help me to love others, the way You love me.

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

Casting Crowns - If We Are The Body