She cleared her throat and broke the silence. “I’m sorry,” she said. She looked at Him from the corner of her eye to see if He responded.
He gave a gentle “mm” of acknowledgement. He wasn’t angry. Hurt probably, but He didn’t show it to make her feel bad.
“I don’t really know why I didn’t listen to you earlier…I just felt shy.”
“But it was just you, me and her.”
“I know…” she looked down at the ground ashamed.
Why had she acted that way? Why didn’t she just listen and do what He told her to? It was a simple thing, her friend would have understood.
“You know,” He said, “I was really happy when you listened to me about him.”
“Oh,” she replied.
Yeah, she had tried her best to trust in Him in that area of relationships. Her heart had been broken so many times before, she knew that He knew best. She was careful and tried her very best to listen to Him even when it wasn’t what she had in mind. And it turned out good. She was happy and thankful for the outcome.
But why was it so hard recently, to trust Him once again in the little things? Hadn’t she been through enough with Him to know He was real and that He knew what was best? She knew He was real, she knew He was in control. But, but she still…failed.
It came to her, “I think,” she paused, “I think I don’t really love you.” Her face was downcast, they continued to walk.
“I think I love ‘me’ more.” At that her tears started to fall.
It broke her heart, it broke His heart. It broke their hearts. It hurt, it stung, it was painful.
He knew. He had known all along. He knew from when she came to Him in need for His help but put Him aside when things were going well. He knew even when she denied it or was ignorant towards it. He knew even when she had tried to mask it. When she thought she had the whole world (and even her ownself) believing her lie , He knew and saw beyond what others saw.
She felt so ashamed, so undeserving. She wanted to say she was sorry but she had already said that so many times, she wondered if she really meant them.
They continued to walk. “Why was He still here? Why was He still walking beside me?” she asked herself. “Why did He stay.”
“I love you, still.” He said firmly to her.
She closed her eyes. He repeated those words to her, “I love you.”
“I love you unconditionally. I love you in spite of all you are or what you have done. I love you.”
That day, as she walked with Him – He who had walked with her all her life, He who came into her life and turned it inside out upside down, He who watched over her and cared for her, He who cherished her and loved her, He who gave her a purpose to live – as she walked with Him, she was strengthened and renewed by His unconditional love He revealed to her that day.
“Thank you,” she replied quietly. For she knew she didn’t deserve such a love, she didn’t deserve Him. It was that unexplainable thing she had been experiencing in her life called grace.
Humbled.
Grateful.
Loved.
Forgiven.
Redeemed.
Blessed.
These were the things she experienced that day. She didn’t want to go back to the same state she had been in.
She wanted to love unconditionally too, like how He did. She was far from that at the moment, but she knew she wanted to be like Him. She knew that that was who she was called to be like.
We love because He first loved us.
1 John 4:19
1 John 4:19
