no time to waste

i realize, that when a person is going through hard and tough times, there is quite a large probability that they may fall into self-pity which then leads to being selfish, always thinking about themselves and how 'poor things' they are.

or is it the other way around? they're selfish and then they become self-pitiful? hmm...that is worth some thought.

i didn't just stumble on this realization randomly, nor did i find it by sitting and judging people around me. it came more like a slap in the face because i went through it.

i have to admit. i have been a very self-pitying and selfish person lately.

well, it all started with some rough times. (won't go into detail because it is quite personal, but i'll share if you ask me personally :) and those rough times happened when i was some what "alone". the people who usually surrounded me when i was in school were now busy with their own lives, some in National Service (NS), others in college, some working, etc. basically, i wasn't surrounded by the people i saw almost everyday in a week anymore.

apart from not having the people i would usually pour out to, there for me to share my heart with and to encourage and help me through, i was also faced with another situation. i didn't have anyone to care for or reach out to physically. one of the things that kept me going even in the midst of struggles was knowing that when there are people, there is a need to love and care for them like how Jesus does whether they are broken or not. and i wanted to do that.

but recently when i was given my "alone" time (okay, i had my family but that's a different thing) there seemed to be no need to love and care for others, well, not like when i was still in school. in school, there were so many others with dilemmas in their lives that were worse than mine, this in a way showed me how blessed i am and how good God has been to me. as i went through my rough times, i had no one to turn to and i was unfaithful and forgot God's grace in my life. i fell into self-pity and then i became selfish.

okay, so i wasn't in a totally-absolutely-no-connection-with-outside-world situation. i still went for cf, still met up with some friends, still chatted on msn, etc. and that's when i realize i was starting to be very selfish.

if i was tired, i made no effort to entertain anyone, no effort to talk and listen to anyone, no effort to care for anyone. if i was down, i would sit quietly alone and when others who cared asked if i was okay, i would just give a dead "okay". i was selfish and i was starting to not care for those around me. when i met new people, i didn't make any effort to get to know them, i just gave them my name and a smile. i don't think they remember me. and what really made me worry was, i didn't really bother if they would remember me or not.

what kind of life was i living? what kind of testimony was i? is this how i am to impact the lives of those around me? i certainly don't think so.

there i was, not caring about the people around me, just because i didn't feel like it. you tell me, selfish or not?

but i thank God for waking me up. for sending people to speak to me. for His grace and His forgiveness. it is not right for me to inhibit God's work just because i am tired and being all down about my situation. there is no point in that.

i am not saying that you cannot cry before God when you feel helpless and broken, when you're going through a rough time. it is definitely important to pour out hearts out to God, He is there for us always and He wants us to come near to Him. and i am not saying that you should put up a fake smile even when you don't feel like it. but what i am trying to get across here is that we cannot let ourselves get too absorbed in our problems until we lose sight of our hope, our faith and our purpose. we must press on towards the goal which Christ has called us to.

as long as i am here on earth, as long as i can breath and am alive, as long as i am able, i have a purpose in Christ. i have a calling to be a witness to those around me, i have been commanded to love my those around me. and everyday, as time passes, life becomes shorter. time cannot be turned back and thus therefore, there is no time to waste.

1 Peter 4:7-11
The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self–controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Dear Lord,
I don't want to be selfish and self-pitiful anymore.
I don't want to waste my life away in this way.
God give me the strength and vision to look ahead.