Loving Him with my All - Whenever and Wherever

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Layakkanlah seluruh hidupku

Ya Abba Bapa

Ini aku anakMu

Pakailah sesuai dengan recanaMu

I've been singing this song to Lukas the past few nights as I put him to sleep. But this morning as we sang it during worship in church, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart yearned for God and to love God wholeheartedly.

I had not been loving God as I should this past year.

That was a painful and scary confession to make and as I reflect on it, it is such a serious yet hidden issue. For who knows the thoughts of our hearts but God alone. 

We are now beginning the month of December. Another year is coming to its end again and it often puts me in a reflective mood as I look back at the year.

This year was a year full of transitions for me. Coming back to PJ from Semporna, becoming a mother, teaching in a new school, adapting to our families. 

Coming back from Semporna had so many aspects to it. I honestly struggled and don't think I transitioned well through the changes. It came suddenly yet also expectedly. It came with both joy and sorrow. It came with a heavy heart yet also relief. It's hard to explain, it was hard to say goodbye. 

I didn't really have time to process it with everything happening so rapidly, one thing after another - coming back on a Saturday, I began work at my new school on Monday, about a month plus later, I delivered Lukas and had to learn to become a mom, a steep learning curve and a whole new experience. It was a blessing to have my family to help me through that. Then when I thought I was getting a hang of it, maternity leave ended and it was back to school. I thank God for Christian believers that He used to encourage and help me along the way. But I often felt tired and lost at the end of most days. And without realising days, weeks, months pass.

You look back and you wonder where did the time go. You look back and you know that God was always present because it was His grace you were able to go through all that. 

But I also look back and I know that I was really bitter and hurting at times. I look back and I know that I struggled to love God and others. I look back and I know that I became rather selfish and self-centered along the way. I look back and I repent.

Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku...

Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya.

Though the seasons change in my life,

I will still love Jesus always.

That's why the song's lyrics cut deep because I know that as the seasons changed, I was bitter and upset at God. I may have even blamed Him and I never resolved the issue. But I must not live in the past, I must not live upon "what if's", I need to live in the present, in this particular season, time, and place and love God with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength. 

I love You, Lord.
Forgive me when my love wavers.

Help me to love you with everything I am.