Through It All (2014)

I give thanks to God for this year.

God who is sovereign, God who is faithful, God who is good, through it all.

It's been a tough year for many. So much has happened on a global scale, to our nation Malaysia, in our community, etc. And even now, on the last day of the year we hear of many who struggle with losses, with tragedies, with floods, and so much more. Lost planes, lost lives, lost homes, lost loves and lost hopes. :'( I can only imagine the pain and grief they feel and go through. 

The things I have gone through this year cannot compare to the many hardships of others as mentioned, but personally it was still a struggle for me. Somehow, the painful parts of 2014 stay seared in my mind as compared to the many good moments I am thankful for. 

Yet, this gives me much encouragement:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. - James 1:2-4

That the struggles and the trials are there for a reason, have their own purpose and is not in vain. As we come to the end of another year, I read back on journal entries and I know I struggled and stumbled through many parts of the year, but I am where I am today and who I am today by His grace and faithfulness. My life is a work in progress. It has not ended yet and new chapters and phases are still being written.

Last picture of 2014.

I thank God for loved ones who have supported and encouraged me through the different periods. Family, friends, strangers. People who were there long periods, or through one or two projects, or just a day or less, people who I knew I could turn to, people who were there by chance, people who came in just at the right moment, all kinds of people. Thankful for the people who pick me up, who pray for me, who walk with me, who do life with me. I appreciate it and I treasure you, though I may not always show it.

I thank God for Ernest who helps me grow, who journeys with me through the ups and downs, who is patient and kind even in my most irrational states. And indeed, we are growing and learning in this relationship. It's not always smooth, not always ideal. not always lovey-dovey and sweet, it is painful sometimes, it is hard and confusing sometimes too, but it is worth it. And I will choose to love, day by day, year by year, I will choose to love always.

Bidding farewell to UM and her days

I finished my days in university this year. I miss them. I miss the life and the people. But I know life is always changing and we move on into new terrains of life. Life is an adventure, an expedition, and an exploration. Everyday something new. One thing I really thank God for in university was my PKV family and the many experiences brought through the christian fellowship there. The camps we attended, the inspiring people who spoke to us, the avenues to reach out, the growing together, and so much more.

Also, FES. I thank God for them. FES camps always left an impact, always brought up reminders, and always awakened me to something new. Well, SWEEP is something to thank God for since it indirectly led to Ernest and I :P And my hopes to "find a husband here (at camp)" came to pass! Hooray :D

Yet 2014, is where university ends for me. I am a graduate now. And I am thankful for all that I have learned and experienced throughout my days here.

I went through a waiting phase. Where I grew impatient and lost and confused. It was disheartening. It was scary. But I had to trust God even when I couldn't see what was in front of me. I am currently working with little kids and it brings me great joy but also wears me out physically. Those little balls of energy. D: But I am learning to love and enjoy what I do, and wait for when God brings me wherever He may call me to. The recent trip to Cambodia with my church group has re-sparked the desire and passion to teach the people who are poorest and in need of education. It makes me want to do more and be more. It makes me pray, "God, prepare me for your work. Teach me, train me, send me."

And as we enter 2015, I still wait for that. But I wait knowing and assured He has the best plans and He has the right timings.

He is with me through it all.

Blessed Christmas

A picture speaks a thousand words, they say.

Here's my picture :)

Because of God's love, we are saved by His grace.

Because of God's love, we can love others.

Because He loves the world, He gave His one and only Son,

that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Because in Him, we have hope and we have love.

These children reminded me and pointed me back to this love of God.

And I pray that my life may point them back to His love too.

Blessed Christmas.

Love came down to save us.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,

that whoever believes in Him shall not perish

but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Battambang, Cambodia 

December 2014

stay the course

"Christian life is like a big round boulder rolling uphill." 

- Mr Lian during Tuesday Night's Bible Studies.

Indeed it is unnatural and it is a struggle most times, but most of all it is impossible without the work and power of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

So, it's November. ALREADY?! This year has been so many ups and downs and in betweens. But I am thankful for God's faithfulness through it all and for the people in my life who have been there.

I left my university life and am embarking on new journeys and learning new things. I am going through uncertain phases and times where I am afraid of my own emotions and state of mind. And it's a whole lot of figuring out but I'm learning that I cannot figure it out on my own with just a lot of thinking and self-reflecting. I need the Spirit of God to convict and the Word of God to be a mirror to check my life and self. It's scary how far I've strayed off course at times and I suppose it begins with the little little diversions, the little compromises, the little put off's and procrastinating, the little distractions.

"Stay the course, Wai Yan!"

"Read my Word," He says to me. "Drink of my Spirit. Pray."

O Lord, keep me on the right course in this journey of life. One that is according to your will, that brings you glory and delight and that pleases you. Grant me the strength and empowerment to be like a rock that is rolling uphill despite the gravity of this world that pulls me away from you. Humble me that I may grow and learn from you. Teach me to walk in faith, in hope and in love. 

In Jesus Name, Amen. 

change of mindset

Lately, I've been having some challenges to the way I see things and some shifts in my perspectives.

Well, not lately, my whole life is made up of that sort of thing really. That's life right? New things come in, people with different ideas or opinions, you learn new things through exposure and your world becomes a little bigger, brighter, darker, deeper, better or even worse (depending on how you begin to look at things).

There are truths, I believe. And truths are objective and absolute. But that's another matter altogether.

So, I like to think of myself as someone who is pretty rational in most areas, someone who is respectful and understanding towards others, and someone who has an open mind and an open heart to learn and receive new knowledge and wisdom. (I think too highly of myself. Be humble, Wai Yan!)

Boy, was I wrong about all that. And what it took was when someone whom I really loved had a rather different and conflicting views with me. Okay, maybe I took it personally and I didn't like that he disagreed with me. I didn't like that I may be wrong or was wrong. :( It really bugged me. It confused me. Was I to be humble and take in this person's view and accept it or was I to be firm in my convictions?

I didn't want to be the kind of person who just believes everything she is told or who just follows the latest or most popular school of thoughts. I didn't want to follow and believe blindly what I was told. I wanted to hold firm to convictions that were mine and stand on foundations that were firm and true. I wanted to have substance in what I believed in.

But most of all, I wanted my thoughts and my opinions to be in line with God's thoughts and truths which would be the Word of God. It was a call to look through His perspectives, to study His Word and to view the world and all its ideas and its whole existence through the lens of God's Word.

Well, how that issue of disagreement was resolved is that there is such a thing as agreeing to disagree and to disagree with grace. After lots of talking and sharing, we decided it was fine to be where we were in our thoughts on the issue. I would take in the person's view but I don't have to accept it as mine. I guess it's a lot more complicated if it's someone you love very much disagreeing with you on some fundamental truth you've had.

That experience however, made me examine my attitude and mindset. And I prayed about it. Because I know I was weak and I make mistakes. And I knew I needed God's grace, wisdom and discernment in all this.

The thought that came and the prayer uttered after was;

Lord,
Let me not be like a wave tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine or newest issue or standpoint. Let me not be like a rock that is so stubborn and so hardened that I do not allow You to move in me and change me. May I be a river, that flows and carries the presence of God wherever I go, that brings life and refreshing to all around me. That washes over the stubborn rocks and gets them wet. Letting them know that there is a God and that He lives.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

"Change of mindset," 

my loves said to me.

Soli Deo Gloria - Glory to God Alone

So, I have not blogged in a while. (This line is getting old) :\

Updates updates...

It's very hard cause I'm in an "in-between" phase or a "not doing anything" phase. Some call it "bumming", the more local term - "mengaggur".

Every day is a little different. Some days I have stuff to do - clean, read, meet ups, catch ups, dates, aanndd other stuff. And I feel productive and happy :) But there are days where I sleep, eat and repeat. Such days make me feel a little down and that my life is rotting away D: Noooo... :(

But anyway, am graduating this October. It is confirmed! Praise the Lord and indeed soli Deo gloria! As I look back at those four years, I know it was more Him than me or anything else. How He consistently stayed and shaped me in my university days. Much has changed, then and now, but one thing remains - God and God alone. He has given me more than I could ever ask for or even imagine. And indeed His ways are above my ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

I do miss uni life (a liiiittle bit) :P I miss the friends and the relationships we had built over the couple of years. Yeah, technology and keeping in touch efforts is there but it's not the same as having your roommate who you see daily before/after/in between classes. Oh, back then when our days were measured by what classes/ activities we had :) I miss the perfect mix of routine and leisure back then. We were not too overloaded (last minute assignments and study times are not counted) with work but not slack with absolutely nothing to do. I miss being prodded, pushed and exposed to new knowledge in my courses and through interactions with different people. Learning, I miss learning. I miss the different opportunities you get in uni that you don't get elsewhere.

And today, the new semester begins for the undergraduates. Something I would not be a part of any more. And it's okay :) Cause life has its times and seasons.

Well, that's part of my life history now. Moving on :) To a bright and exciting adventure ahead. Holding fast to the constant in my life and reminding myself it is all unto His glory. He must increase, I must decrease.

Soli Deo Gloria.

lily

Showed Ernest this picture of the lily that bloomed in our garden :) 

He asked me what's the name of the flower. 

I answered, "Lily." 

"Such a beautiful name," I thought to myself :)

but then...

"OHMYGOSH! We can't name our daughter that!!"

Ernest and my surnames are both 'Lee' :\ 

Lily Lee... Li Li Li... Lee Lee Lee...

Thankful

I will be graduating this year :) Praise the Lord! Just got my results for my final semester and all is well. I thank God for His faithfulness and grace in carrying me through. Am reminded of the tears I shed and the struggles I had throughout the semester but also the assurances He gave through His word and the encouragement and love He brought through people. Thank you, God. 

After our final paper :) Real relief! SELFIE!

So right after exams ended, had about a week's break then it was East Asia Regional Conference (EARC) 2014 in Port Dickson. So much to take in but I believe it was most timely as I come to the crossroads of "What Next?" in my life. Probably one of the most asked questions as I finish my undergraduate life, which I'm not too sure how to answer either :\ It calls me that whatever I do with my life, it must always be centred upon Christ and the gospel. It's a mission to bridge the gap between God's vision and the state of reality in our world today. The theme was "Awesome God. E.P.I.C. Generation". EPIC standing for - Engaging, Passionate, Incarnational, and Christlike. What we as Christians are called to in today's society. I met people from different countries, backgrounds, tongues and cultures and as we shared our stories and lives with each other, I saw that we all live in a broken world. My country and society has its problems and so does theirs. No perfect system, no complete justice and righteousness, and that is the state our world is in. But, we all hope in God, we all trust in God, we all yearn to see His glory manifest in the places He has given to us as our homelands, our countries. And that encourages me to keep pursuing Him, to keep our eyes on God, and to be shining lights to our nations. 

My small group during the conference. Thank you each one for sharing your lives <3 td="">

I had a getaway graduation trip with Shalini, Danny and Vindy to Krabi, Thailand. And it was beautiful :) The sun, sand, and sea. Though the sea was being very very rough as it was the monsoon season. We still had fun and enjoyed it :) I want to go back. Much happened (some good and some bad) and we made do the best we could with what we had. What happens in Krabi, stays in Krabi :P

Beauty :)

Travel companions and some of the best people I've had as course mates in the past four years :)

Am now in Tronoh with the parents. Time to unwind and prepare for what's next. I'll tell you as soon as I know what that is. :) Have a good day!

it always hopes.

I don't understand and I don't know everything.

I cannot comprehend all.

There are things beyond me, beyond my grasp.

There are things beyond my control.

I don't know why it's hard for me.

Why can't I just let go, move on.

Why I find it hard to accept certain things.

I struggle and struggle still.

But that doesn't mean I give up.

It doesn't mean it's okay to stop trying.

Abandon, surrender.

But it matters to who or what.

It is wrong if I abandon and surrender in disappointment.

But it is right to abandon and surrender to God.

It always hopes.

In Him, there is always hope.

vents

hmmm... nothing really inspiring, thought-provoking, weighty to write. but i just have an itch to write. to vent, to rant. to allow my thoughts to run free in words, phrases, sentences and paragraphs.

where do i begin?

be random. let's start with the first word that comes to my mind about this particular week.

rain. wet, fresh, heavy rain. rain that washes the hazy skies, cools the hot weather, quenches the thirst of the land. lovely rain. and i feel it resonate within me. that thirst, that dryness, that yearn for something to wash over me, wash me clean, pull me under and deep into the water. i've always loved the rain, always loved the waters.

next.

balance. the lack of. the inability to juggle and handle everything. the feeling that everything is going to fall and topple all over, that i'm going to fall and topple over. the knowledge that i don't have it all in control, and that bugs me. the knowledge that it was my choice and decisions that put me here in the first place. the temptation to neglect certain things and pursue others.

another.

adventure. that though i don't have it all together perfect, to enjoy the journey, the process of life. to take it one step at a time and to enjoy it. to not worry about the tomorrows to the point i lose focus of the present. to make my time here on earth count. to allow God to be the leader and master of my life. adventure is in Him and no other.

last.

obey. been reading Deuteronomy. and towards the end, Moses tells the people about blessings and curses. and it's a pretty simple equation. obey God's laws and commandments = blessings. not just blessings, abundant blessings!! disobey God's laws and commandments (especially serving other gods) = curses. curses that will destroy them, that will torment them and cause them to perish. but it tells us, that even then, God knows and God tells that they are a stiff-necked people and very soon, they will turn away from His ways and go on their own. and they did. so, why if it's so clear cut and easy to understand, why do we still choose to disobey? why? because we are bad, bad to the core. and we always always want to rebel against God. because we are stiff-necked. sinful, dead in sin. until we come under Christ's redemption, until the Spirit dwells in us and works in us. making us alive in Him, enabling us by His grace to obey Him.

there's just no structure to this writing. no direction. just like my thoughts sometimes. all mumblejumbled up. sometimes, you just got to dig to get something. sometimes, you let it overflow and take what comes. sometimes, you stay still and let whatever is floating around sink and sit at the bottom of it.

words. pretty amazing stuff huh.

Inspirations

There are just some people that inspire you to keep going, that remind you of your passion, remind you of purpose and help you believe that you can make a difference.

Of all my classes this semester, Integrative Seminar: Issues in TESL, is by far the class where I come away inspired. Yes, a few things get repeated a lot and there is never a shortage of stories and experiences of classroom situations, but the most inspiring is our lecturer Dr. Pradip Kumar or more well-known as Dr. PK.

It's my first time taking one of his courses and though he admits being bad with names and has a tendency to change my name to Wai Wan (my friend asked if he was asking us a question -.-), his passion and love for teaching and also for his students is so contagious. You really come away wanting to try and apply the things learnt in his lessons. And one day, I pray I would be as an effective and inspirational teacher as he is.

I thank God for the things and people that inspire when everything else just seem to discourage and trip you up most of the time. And this is one I am grateful for this semester.

:)

final semester

So after almost half a year of not being back in university (about 2 months doing my teaching practice and 4 months away in Korea for student exchange), I am back in UM for my final semester of my TESL programme. If all goes well, I finish in about half a year :) Finish!

It's seems unreal. Almost four years have passed just like that.

And already it's Week 4. I don't know why, but things just have been a bit too much to handle. I thought it'd be a relaxing final semester :\ But I thank God for the strength and grace He provides just enough for each day.

My struggle is balance. I'm just terrible at it. I'll take one thing and neglect another and my ability to prioritize is really deteriorating. I really need to learn how to do this. Life doesn't seem to be slowing down or getting any easier anytime soon.

My greatest struggle though is my spiritual walk with God. And this is taking everything in me apart. Because without Him I am nothing and can do nothing. And it's been hard to break free, hard to repent and turn around, hard to walk true to His Word and commands. And I feel really far, really distant. But He reminds me through different ways that He is bigger and beyond my struggles, that I do not struggle through this alone nor am I on my own. There's still much figuring out to do. And pray, I shall overcome.

Have a blessed day.

Praying for the MH370 situation, for the loved ones, family and friends of the passengers on the missing flight.

sleepless

turned off the lights at one, closed my eyes, yet my mind was still racing. it'd been a long day, and it didn't really end on a great note. tossed and turned to try to get comfortable. on my back, on my side, face down. restless. but i kept my eyes shut. i slipped in and out of sleep. short and forgotten dreams passing. i do not remember. they were neither pleasant nor bad. woke up with an itch on my leg. mosquito. it felt like i had already had a long restless night. was it almost dawn? was i going to have to get up soon? i checked my clock. no, it was just three fifteen. i wasn't even halfway there. tonight was sleepless. my heart anxious. sigh.

Jesus, be the Center

Jesus, be my center, now and forever. Amen.

Jesus, be the center
Be my source, be my light
Jesus

Jesus, be the center
Be my hope, be my song
Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision
Be my path, be my guide
Jesus

New Year 2014 :)

Was looking at some 2013 notes on my desktop :| This was what was written and my thoughts on them. Hmmm...

   2013:

- learn chinese 

(haha, verrryyy minute improvements)

- stop my habit of nail-biting 

(when stress comes... T.T)

- brush up on my guitar 

(still in the G, C, Em, D stage, improving in F though!)

- get grounded in my church 

(going to Korea took me away physically but my faith and love is renewed in new ways I must say)

- learn to cook :) 

(do instant noodles, pancakes, eggs count?)

- exercise 

(on and off)

- i am a ball 

(written by a certain cheeky brother)

- jangan senang merajuk 

(oh, emotions please calm!!)

- rejoice in sufferings :D 

(always in the process of learning to do this)

But 2013 was...

A year of rediscovering my faith and coming back to the core of it - the gospel. I came to realize how very self-centered my faith was at times and how I was so accustomed to that without even realizing it. It was new convictions and renewed love for Christ.

It was my final year serving as committee after being in it from second semester of first year until second semester of third year. All I can say, it was God's grace and sustenance that brought a group of ordinary young people who wanted to see men and women living out God's truth and having an impact on life. It was also passing on the baton after that :) I thank God for those who served and journeyed alongside me in this campus ministry. I thank God too for those who are willing to continue to carry that vision for our campus.

AGM 2013

I also completed my thesis :) God's grace and favor! It was such a blessing to serve and teach while conducting this study :) And there are times I miss my students dearly and wonder how they are doing, how their families are doing. And all I can do is pray and commit these lives, far and near, to God. Oh, this was also the reason my nail-biting habit is not broken yet. The stress!!

Motivation and Attitudes of Myanmar Refugee Students Toward Learning English - 2013.

It was also our 13th General Elections in 2013 and though the results weren't as we hoped for, we still hold on and stand true to the hope and fight for righteousness and justice to prevail in our land, Malaysia. It was an eye-opening, heart-moving sort of phenomenon. You see the ugly and also the good of people in so many ways. And you realize, change starts with us. Above all, we know that God is in control. Amen.

It was new experiences and a taste of the work I might be called to do for the rest of my life - teaching in secondary school. I was given SMK (P) Assunta, an all-girls school and students of 13 and 14 years of age. It was such a valuable experience and I thank God for the teachers, students, family and friends who supported and gave me good advice and encouragement along the way. I learned that it was not easy, but that it was worth it. These lives are worth it :)

Find me! Hehe.

Right after that, it was this Student Exchange Program to South Korea. It still takes me by surprise at time. I go, "I can't believe I'm here!!" But these four months have been an amazing journey with God and the people He has brought alongside me. I am thankful. And through it all, when all is stripped bare, God is enough :)

IVF :) Brothers and sisters who serve the same God though we speak completely different languages and come from various backgrounds and cultures.

People I've met and grew to love along the way. :D

I will remember and miss you all.

From my recent lone adventures in Busan :) I am pro in self shots! BAHAHAHAHA.
Lone adventures also meant alone time with God :) And those are always the best times.

And we're already in the new year :) Soon, I'll be home. New chapters, new seasons, new experiences. But the strongest and firmest foundation I will ever have is this:

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. 

Hebrews 13:8

Though the days, months and years will pass, 

Though the seasons of life will come and go,

Though we find and lose the ones we love,

He remains the same yesterday, today and forevermore.

My Announcement! :D See ya soon, Malaysia!