what are you afraid of?

I am starting to do a book entitled ‘Praying for Purpose for women’ a birthday gift from Joshua Chin when I was 18 years old. I believe it was quite timely for me to start the book at this time. Life’s been non-stop since university started been very busy and am growing weary, feeling pretty lost and frustrated many times.

And as I type all this out, I’m going to try to be as honest as I can be. I am fully aware that there are a ton of flaws and imperfections in me, to the point it is called “ugly”. But I hear, acknowledging it is the first step to change, painful and humbling steps.

The question today was “What are you afraid of?”

Two things:
1. Failure
2. Disappointing others and God

And that’s simply what I’ve been facing. A lot of things not going my way, things in the “could have been better” state, regret, letting others down, disappointing others and myself. It’s been so frustrating

Makes me question, “Am I a people pleaser kind of person?” I think to a certain extent I am. I’ve always wanted to prove myself for something since I was young having struggled with many “Who am I?” questions at one point. Achievements were something I sub-consciously chased after. Certain events made me realize this, such as when I found myself being quite upset over the so-so results I obtained for STPM. Through many of those times, I found God’s grace and love telling me I need not prove anything to Him, for He loved me for who I am, who He created me to be. Many times, I found myself in His comfort finding my worth and purpose in Him when the circumstances around me told me otherwise. Thank you, God.

At twenty one, I still struggle with myself. I still look at expectations and shudder, yet I still do what I am expected to do till the point where I just do it for the sake of doing it. I’m not sure where this will take me. I think I need to start to take some steps back and look at it all from a distance again and ask, “Why am I doing this?”

I want to be a God pleaser, not a people pleaser. I want my life to be lived for His will and His purposes not the will and expectations of man on me.

God, teach me and grant me Your strength to face my fears and begin to live a life of victory for You.

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8

Remind me; it’s not about me, it’s ALL about God.