it always hopes

a thousand questions are running through my mind. is it happening all over again? the whole breakdown, disintegration, dissolve; is it all coming undone?

why can’t i ever get it right? the perfect fairy-tale, movie kind of love. it’s never like that. all those ideals ingrained in me since i was a little girl. those impossible standards.

i remember trying to figure it out at fourteen (too young definitely) and that ended with me realising i didn’t just want a relationship, i wanted a God-centred relationship. and so, i wasn’t just going to go with any boy i fancied and who fancied me. i had it in mind to wait for who God had for me.

even then, i think the standards and ideals increased. they became tedious. some people never understood, sometimes i got a little confused too. :\

the interesting thing was, i always had this instant ambition of getting married, i think it started towards the end of Form 3. ask me what i was going to do after my Form 5, i’d say in a heartbeat, “find a husband!” or “get married!”. ask me what i was hoping to gain during National Service, the answer would be, “a husband!”. the same even through Form 6 and the beginning of university. it was as if husbands were bought from the supermarket or like instant noodles: add hot water and tadaa! a husband!

i’m not sure if it started as a joke and then turned into a deeper longing, or if it was a deeper longing masked as a joke. (CHEHWAH! SO DEEP!)

and so a lot of boys probably got scared away by this desperate girl :\ haha.

(i have no idea why this is all coming out. it’s like a timeline of my failed love life haha.)

as i “matured” (was still pretty naive and silly, looking back) i thought i would end up with someone older, more matured. the boys my age were still, hmmm. but i soon realised, they took me to be more like a sister. of course, what was i thinking. i had barely seen the world and i couldn’t comprehend their dilemmas and struggles and could neither help or support them. and for me a big part of being together, is going through the thick and the thin, being there in times of despair and hardships as well as sharing the light and joyful moments.

then one day, i met a boy. things progressed, it was fun. waking up excited, knowing you were loved. that was the question joanne asked me, “do you wake up feeling excited?” i did i really thought we would work out. we both served and loved God, talked about our future and made promises to each other. he did quite well on my checklist of standards and ideals.

but after one semester, it broke down. i’m not sure what or why exactly. oh, but that was painful. my very first heartbreak. haha. we agreed we were both still having a lot of growing up to do in our personal faiths and that it was not the time to get together. and then time passed and he said, let’s just go along on separate ways. i said, ok.

i was really confused, lost, broken, disappointed, trying over and over to figure it out. and then when i finally surrendered it to God - peace. God was faithful through it all. when i let my guard down, He still guarded my heart. and for that i am ever grateful.

in time, a lot of things in my life changed. took me twenty-one years to step out of my lovely “palace”. i went for a camp which really shifted my perspectives and opened my eyes, ears and heart to the fact that there was a lot of brokenness in the world around me  

and so it changed my life’s direction too. so, now, i added one more thing to my long list of standards and ideals, we needed to be going in the same direction. someone who i would support and serve alongside with in whatever ministry we would be called to. Tough, but not impossible!

i guess if i’d gotten the 3M’s (Master, Mission, Mate) in correct order from the start, it would have saved me a lot of “figuring” it out. First, know God, then know your calling in God, and lastly, you may know your mate. it’s havoc when you mess up the order. i’m going to tell my kids that.

so anyway, back to now. i’m confused :\ again. why? because ideals are faltering and it’s time to get rid of some, but which?

love always hopes

i’m putting my hope first in God, and then in my calling and the ones i am called to reach out to. and i also put my hope in you, in us. even when things seem bleak, unclear, confusing, i will hope.