"I feel dead..." I told him, "I feel like I'm dying, like I have no purpose in life.."
"Why?" he asked me.
"I don't know. I've just lost my passion, my purpose, my direction. I don't know why. I feel lost. Why?"
Tears stream down.
I knew why. I'd been drifting, wandering, straying away. And on my own, I was lost. I had him with me, but he was not to be my compass nor map. And that overwhelming fear that I may lose him terrified me. I became insecure, clingy, desperate, hungry for attention and finally broken when I didn't get what I expected. I was a pendulum swinging; one moment happy and content, the next lost and hurting.
I realize how weak and insecure this makes me look. I used to think myself pretty independent, pretty well-rounded, pretty alright, I would say. Such pride (tsktsk).
Going through all this makes me realize that all this while it's been God's grace that has kept me and shaped me. I'd taken that for granted.
It wasn't an instant fall away, not an instant denial. But it was me slowly removing my dependency, my trust and my hope from God. And that soon left me - lost.
I'm coming back by His grace and mercy. He calls, He rebukes, He disciplines, He heals, He restores. It's like that jumpstart to a car that can't start, He's jumpstarting my heart. To once again love Him and love others. To feel and know His heart for those around me. How very numb I had become as I became self-centered.
Change that, O Lord. I'm coming back, by Your grace.
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